just sell all your stuff and eat bean sprouts

i've always had great ambitions to organize...and reorganize...my life in terms of housekeeping, work, cooking, storage, etc. etc. i think to an extent, every woman dreams of perfect organization and impeccable systems.

i am a sucker for systems. maybe it's the teacher in me...? i get a kick out of watching Kate Gosselin organize her crazy everyday life, and i naturally gravitate towards the plastic storage aisles in stores. i think that side of me will really show once we have children and i have to resort to making sure more than just myself is taken care of and looks somewhat put together.

to go along with that, tim and i have always dreamt of simplifying our life. we have only been married a few months shy of two years, and have already way too much stuff. the house we're renting is too big for us (we think) and we would love to live in a simpler time with less stuff. it's exciting to think and dream of ways we can do that. i am blessed to have married an old soul...a man who wants nothing more out of life than a good beer, a fire, and people he loves to discuss Jesus with. that's someone i want raising my children.

i think along with simplifying our lives, it's our way of saying, "there are other things that are more important." of course, anyone who knows us knows we love a good shopping trip just as much as anyone else but we're constantly challenged by finding the best deals. does that justify? probably not. tim and i also get excited about the thought of one day raising a child in those same values. we want to raise them to be different than the world. we want to raise children who TRULY appreciate the simple things in life and love Jesus more than anyone could possibly imagine.

i've read a lot of things lately that convince me that our diets and the products we use all the time have a major impact on our lives and health. i'm personally trying to stick to a certain diet and avoid disgusting substances (mountain dews, candies, processed foods with way more dyes and chemicals than should be legal) in order to restore my own health and body. a book to read if you think i'm crazy - The Maker's Diet. it's eye opening for sure, and it'll make you think twice about what you buy at the grocery. you'll probably still think i'm crazy. i've realized i've even incorporated my newly discovered beliefs to the dog's diet. she still eats normal dog food, of course, but i'm a lot more likely to throw some apple slices in her dish now. i figured that's what she would've eaten in the Garden, so why not? i don't even want to read the label on the Puppy Chow.

i think we're on our way to simplifying our lives and truly living in consideration of the planet. we're not super freaks who only eat hummus and bean sprouts (even though i grew up on both of those) but we're slowly leaning towards wholesome living in any way we can:

-we're avid recyclers
-we're growing a community garden for our fruits & veggies this summer w/ friends
-we're trying (that's more for me) to shop more at Goodwills for practical things...did you know Target will donate their BRAND NEW items to area Goodwills when they can't sell them??? best thing i ever discovered. brand spankin' new sassy shoes for 2.99? yes, please.
-i've always tried to buy organic, but sometimes the budget just will not allow. more and more mainline grocery stores (Kroger, Meijer) have plenty of organic options at reasonable prices.
-we're hoping to have a major garage sale this spring with things we thought we'd touch but never have

oh, and tim won't let me buy bottled water. it's the nalgene and a brita filter for this girl. he's also not cutting his hair, but i'm pretty sure that has nothing to do with going green. it's pretty sexy, though, now that it's getting real long. just my opinion. :)

well, you're very welcome for a long mindless post all about me. *sigh. i guess that's okay, with a blog. it would be wrong to write about others.

if you have any green/organic/organizing tips to share....please feel free!

love you all.



oh, and one more thing to get off my chest. hi, i'm courtney and i'm reading the twilight series.

...

Marley thought it'd be a bright idea to eat a pack of light bulbs while I was sleeping.

i survived a college campus

i feel as if the last 2 months, my body is attacking itself. i feel run through the mill in a thousand different ways of being sick. right now, i'm trying to shake the flu/cold/cough/stuffy nose symptoms before i go back to another week of school with germy kiddos. the weather is only holding at about 50 something and i'm begging for it to be warm so i don't have to deal with cold wood floors and jackets in the morning anymore.

tim is on his way back from cincinatti with some of our kids. they went to a CIY discipleship weekend-another thing i wish i could've been in on. instead, i got to take PRAXIS tests to keep up the process of turning my TN teaching license into IN. however, the tests i'm required to take were the ones that most undergrads take, if they even have to based on ACT scores. good ole' IN requires i take 'em, no matter what smarty pants things you can show on your previous exemption scores. so there i was, at 7:30 in the morning, trying to find my way around a major university (which i've barely even been to) in the dark. i had copied down directions the old fashioned way, since tim took the gps with him, and realized that i was all too dependent upon the stupid thing.

i pulled into Ball State's campus and actually managed to locate the correct building. oh, but now i need to find parking. around a few blocks, i luckily followed another car of obvious students (MO license plates) to the LAST metered parking spot left within a few blocks of the building. i had a few minutes to zip into the building and find my room and testing site before they'd stop letting people in. i basically followed the crowds of other kids (yes, they were very young)into a building w/ a PRAXIS sign on the door.

the lady at the table said, "oh no, dear. your test is across the street." ok, so the building right out these doors and across the street? well, kindof. go out these doors, you'll see a long building. that's north quad. burkhardt building sits on blah blah blah. whatever. i'll find it. i walk outside, and realize- oh yeah, it's still dark. i can't see street signs and of course ALL THE BUILDINGS LOOK THE SAME. i scared some poor student to death when i ran up to her and asked where the building was. she pointed, and i ran over to walk right into my seat. prayers do work. God knows he needs to place directionally competent people in my path-always.

the test is over, and i have an hour and a half until my next one. i'm not even going to dare to leave the building. i wander the halls and look for a restroom. ok, there's the mens'. ladies? nada. i look around and just go into the mens'. quickly, quickly. it seemed like a funny skit when i was peeking around the door to make sure no one was in the hallway. ah, no one will know. (well, except you guys.)

i sat and read for awhile, ate an apple (brain food), read the posters on the wall. then i decided to set my alarm on my cell phone and just nap. i wasn't asleep for ten minutes, when i my arm slid off of the ledge and i jerked awake in a short panic, startling the 19 year olds that were now waiting outside with me.

quite a morning. needless to say, it's a good thing i went to a small school with only so many buildings...and signs for each one of them. and equal access to restrooms.

:)

updated

so our trip to Knoxville was so great. exactly what we needed...everything from the warmer weather, the view of the mountains, to reconnecting with GREAT friends and spending time with the whole family. i saw everyone that i wanted to see while i was there, and it was fantastic. it was really tough to remain positive when we were driving back to good ole' Anderson. we miss Knoxville so much and are so ready to go back and live there. the timing will be right eventually.

tim and i have been taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University class through our church. i absolutely love it because i feel so much more educated with so many financial things now. we've finally put together a budget (our first one ever!) and will hopefully be really disciplined about sticking with it. it's amazing how much farther money can go when it's properly managed. we're really looking forward to paying off our small, but annoying, debts and saving for the future. i HIGHLY recommend anyone to take his class...it's incredibly educational. i'm glad we finally have someone kicking our butt and telling us how dumb we've been previously.

when i was going through our budget the other day (yes, i'm the nerd in the household who LOVES to be the budget-keeper) i mentioned to tim how we have no money set aside in case anything breaks in our house such as washer/dryer, tv, stove, etc. we laughed about how crappy our washer and dryer were since the buttons have come off and you literally had to stick your fingers into the machine to find the on switch. real safe, i'm assured. they were given to me free a few years ago from my parents' neighbors who used them when THEY got married. seriously old. no sooner than a few days later, one of our youth sponsors tells Tim he has something he wants to bring us. low and behold, he brings us a new dryer. God sure does take care of us...and even BEFORE things actually break! i'm definitely impressed. we both had to chuckle about our conversation and decided we need to start mentioning things like that more often. :) it's so awesome when God's people take care of each other.

nothing else new to report. still truckin' through the school year and trying not to kill any of the kids:) we only have about 12 weeks of school left, which i feel will fly by pretty quickly. who knows what next year will bring!

alright, i'm off to try and motivate myself to go work out. wish me luck. i've already spent too much time blogging instead of going.

wednesday

i wish i had a picture. last night, i came home early from our Dave Ramsey class, and walked upstairs to let Marley out. lately, we've been just keeping her in our bedroom instead of her kennel so she can roam around a little more and not be penned up so long. usually, she does great and hasn't taken much interest in anything except having the bed to herself. i opened the door, and it was just like a movie scene. a chocolate lab standing in the middle of the floor, covered with little white feathers and feathers still floating all around her. yes, she had decided to eat the tag off of our down comforter, and then realized how fun that was when the feathers kept flying about. the remainder of the evening was spent by me sweeping up as many teeny tiny feathers as i could find, and with her chasing what was left and occasionally hacking up a few that she had swallowed. she never ceases to amaze us.

i just finished reading Betsy's blog about the spring-like weather in TN, and it made me so excited for spring as well. I love the first day you can wear sandals, and not have to take a jacket with you. I love leaving windows open and sitting out on the porch. I love being barefoot. I've always been that way, even as a kid, and therefore I need multiple pedicures throughout the year...

The 12 inches of snow just melted, and then we're supposed to get 1-3 inches of rain on top of that. It's pretty soggy up here in Indiana, but as much as I loved the snow...I'll be ready to move on. I can't believe it's more than halfway through the school year and I'll be sending the kiddos on in no time.

Lately, I've been thinking about making a big change in teaching. There may be an opportunity to teach a higher grade, like fifth or sixth. I've student taught in sixth grade before, and while I was incredibly intimidated going in, I loved it! I loved being able to really discuss social issues and work on writing persuasive essays. I loved that they could do things for themselves!! Oh, that would be sweet relief. Don't get me wrong, first grade has always been a fun grade to teach, but I think I'd love the challenge of teaching older kids. I am about done with the whining and tattletaling, not being able to tie their own shoes, picking noses, etc. I didn't go to school 5 years to run a daycare. That would be a big change and a lot of extra preparation on my part, but it sounds soooo good these days. Am I cut out for the job? The worst thing ever would be to get the class that laughs in my face (eye to eye I'm sure) and doesn't take a thing seriously. It's one thing to discipline a 6 year old, but quite another when they're you're same size.

Lots of changes to come, I'm sure. Especially with the seasons. Rest assured, we're keeping Marley forever, staying in this house, and remaining in Anderson until told otherwise;)

Only 2 weeks til Knoxville!

this belongs on a myspace bulletin...but for the sake of a blog, what the heck.

keep in mind, i have a teeny tiny ipod that hasn't been updated in a year or so. wear it.

1. Put your MP3 player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS! DON'T CHEAT OR YOU'RE LAME


IF SOMEONE SAYS "ARE YOU OK" YOU SAY?
"Alcohol" Brad Paisley.....hahahaha. is that bad?

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"Carolina Blues" Blues Traveler....apparently I'm stuck in 7th grade, sad, and belong on the east coast.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"I've Loved Enough to Know" Deanna Carter....oh, more true than you know.


WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"What Am I to You?" Norah Jones....hm.

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Sunrise" Norah Jones....no, I don't think the sun rises and sets on me.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Waiting on the World to Change" John Mayer.....SO true.

WHAT IS 2+2?
"Undertow" Sara Bareilles....that's a dumb one.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"My, Oh My." The Wreckers.....hahaha. very suitable.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"My Dear Country" Norah Jones...wha?

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"She's Everything" Brad Paisley...yes, I am very much loved.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Seasons Change" Corinne Bailey Rae

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Lost" Michael Buble....I'm sure at one point they did.

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Lay Me Down" The Wreckers.....haha, oh my. ;)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Don't Miss You at All" Norah Jones.....ouch.

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"I'm Your Man" Michael Buble....i gotta put more songs on here.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Winter" Eastmountainsouth

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Some Mistakes" Brad Paisley....yes, but weren't they fun!?

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
"Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" John Mayer.....I can imagine that would suck.

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
"Scotch & Chocolate" Nickel Creek....hey, at least I'll be happy.

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
"Glass" Ingrid Michaelson.....interesting..?

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
"It's Not You It's Me" Little Willies....so true. I can really crack myself up.

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
"All At Sea" Jamie Cullum


WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
"I'd Like To" Corinne Bailey Rae.....have I not already? then what WAS that?

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
"Your Man" Josh Turner ....yes, he does.

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
"Die Alone" Ingrid Michaelson....yikes, my funeral does not sound promising.

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
"Love Ain't Worth Making" Deana Carter....um? i beg to differ?

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
"The Uncloudy Day" Brad Paisley

see far in a snow storm

another delay for school tomorrow due to winter weather in good old Indiana...I saw on the news today that so far in our winter season, we've accumulated a total of 22.6" of snow. yipes. a tad different from my marshy homeland on the east coast of Virginia. still, i am with Tim when I think that if it's going to be THIS cold, it might as well snow.

ya know, that's the ONLY thing I could find that was wrong with Knoxville. i'm not sure if i remember a GOOD snow in all my 5 years of living there. yeah, we had a few random snow days, but only because Sevier County schools were pretty skittish.

Tim and I are going back in a few weeks to rent a cabin with family and celebrate my sister's birthday. it's like we're going to Disney World; we are SO excited! we have plans to reunite with friends we haven't seen in way too long and just enjoy being back home.

i'm not sure if it's the arctic Indiana winter, but we are missing Knoxville more than ever. Tennessee in general brings back pleasant memories for both of us, and we both agreed we felt like it had seemed like home. we fell in love, made life long friends, and made some pretty big life decisions all within the walls of the Smoky Mountains and Vol territory.

i almost typed that i learned who Jesus was in TN as well. but while Tim and I were trudging through the ice and snow to meet his parents for dinner tonight, we discussed how our views of Christ, the Church, and the American Christianity have changed so drastically in the last year that even we were surprised by it. i realized how different i am now. yeah, my life changed drastically in so many ways in TN, but it's here in IN that i feel like i found Jesus. like, the real Jesus. the one who had opinions and feelings. the one who said some things that i never really thought were like him. the one who tells people that if they even so much look back to say goodbye to his mother, he is not fit to be a disciple. the Jesus who wants to restore the people and the Earth that he made to live in unison with each other. the one who expects love. the Jesus that never built a building to be a church.

i'm learning that being the church is SO much simpler than we've created it to be. keyword: we.

gosh. we have a lot of work to do.

six months later...

ok, so if you have thought, "today i'll check courtney's blog. i know it's been almost six months, but MAYBE she updated. i can just feel it." good for you! if not, understandable. i am the guilty one. but nonetheless, i am back.

let's just recap the last six months. here's what i've learned (in a very small nutshell):

-teaching is easier and harder than i imagined.
-God is so much closer and sometimes farther than i imagined.
-Jesus isn't who I thought He was...in a very good way.
-Tim is so much more than the picture of any man I dreamed of one day marrying

Those are only the broadest few things I could think of to recap several months, but they are still true. So let's see...

We are a few weeks shy of marking our first full year in youth ministry here in Indiana. There are certain people that pull at our hearts here that we now cannot bear to think of ever being without. Kids are starting to show us what they're learning and what we've said about Jesus that stuck in their heads.

I'm leading a 7th/8th grade girls small group on Sunday nights, and it's scary how much of myself I see in them. I love the relationship I have with them- a relationship that I had with my youth minister's wife once upon a time that changed my life as well. It's a humbling and fragile place to see myself in.

Our baby, a now 8 month old chocolate lab, is now reaching the huge category and is so much more part of our tiny family than we thought an animal could be. She is loving life, rawhide bones, apple slices and the 6 inches of snow.

My family was able to come visit over Thanksgiving, which was a blast. I'd never had the chance to be hostess for a major holiday and I loved it (minus the strep throat part). We had a low-key Christmas in Noblesville with Tim's family, which was great..especially since his dad is still recovering from a massive heart attack he had in the beginning of December. It was one of those, " I never thought it'd happen to me..." moments for us as a family.

2009 is well into full swing now, and I feel like it's a black canvas. I have no idea what it holds. Tim and I are on the edge of so many big things in our tiny little life as man & wife...it's a grand thing that God is so big. We have bigger dreams and desires than ever, and we know the God who can make them all come true.

room 124

i actually survived the first full week of teaching first grade. barely. i found myself on a friday night, laid out on the living room couch watching a movie and literally aching from being so busy lately. it's still strange to me that i'm a teacher. it's such a huge responsibility and a lot of stress, especially being in a new school and having to learn new systems, new people, etc. i have a crazy group of kids this year...2 autistic boys, one that didn't even go to kindergarten (which isn't required in IN-stupid), a girl that was suspended AS A KINDERGARTENER for slapping other kids, and then 18 more students. on thursday, i put them all on the bus and then sat at my desk and cried. i know i'll get through it and somehow, i'm still loving it, but i'll go up against anyone who says, "gosh, it must be nice working 7 to 3 and having summers off." even still, there's nothing in the world like teaching.

hopefully once the weeks go by, i'll get more into routine and have this down pat. any prayers in my direction (north, for most of you) would be appreciated! also...there's something to be said about kids who can already read.

marley is growing by leaps and bounds every single day. she loves running laps around the house and diving in the ivy in the front yard. she found out that she loves playing in the creek beside our house and in seconds, was covered head to toe in mud and water from digging frantic holes in the creek bed. it was hilarious, and tim and i loved just letting her be a dog. she's definitely a daddy's girl - tim and marley aren't found too far from each other at any time.

my baby sister moved into college last week, and that officially leaves my parents as empty nesters. i'm not sure how well that will be handled...anyone who knows my dad, knows that he likes his girls close, with more walking in the door. everyone's coming to our house for Thanksgiving this year, including the grandparents. It'll be a giant Fair/Blum thanksgiving....watch out.

i can't believe we've already been at this ministry for 7 months. we are missing tennessee like crazy every day and still have hopes to get back some day. in the meantime, there are things happening at the church that still keep us feeling like we're being used here. kids are over more often, sharing more, trusting us with more. there are several people who just came out of the woodwork to start getting involved in the youth, which i told Tim is a big compliment. we are getting ready to kick off student small groups, and Tim's been hitting us hard with the importance of community and love. (go figure, huh?:))

well, time for cleaning the house and working on lesson plans. love you all.

and life picks up again...

we've been absolutely crazy busy since last time i blogged. everything is about to change (again) and after this, i'll be ready to settle down for quite awhile. new job, new dog, new house. goodness.

we found a great home for our psycho weimaraner at the weim rescue in louisville and got talked into a free chocolate lab puppy. we named her Marley (no relation to Bob...although they are the same color and tim's a big fan) and she's wonderful. possibly the cutest dog i've ever seen, and she's pretty laid back and enjoyable to have. we're still working on potty training, but she's a great puppy.

we are moving into another rental home, and have been doing a lot of work on it today. we deep cleaned and painted some today and there's quite a bit left to go. it's a cape cod style house on almost a full acre lot, with hardwood floors and a great big living room. i'm going to really love the yard and the quiet neighborhood. Marley already loves the yard and the rabbits that like to come by, although i'm sure they won't stay long. everything worked out with finding a renter for our current house so we could break our lease, and we're moving next week.

in the meantime, i'm in the process of moving into my new classroom as well. i'm not kidding when i say it's probably the nicest classroom i've been in...in all 5 years of field experiences and internships, i've never seen a school this nice. it's going to be great, and the staff i've met so far are wonderful. i still have a few things to come together with my Indiana teaching license, which makes me nervous so close to school starting...but God will make it happen, just like everything else up to this point!

it's all a bit overwhelming, but tim and i both agree that we're starting to feel a little more at home in the odd little town of Anderson, and we're really enjoying this ministry. we still have plenty of places we'd love to live and visit...but for now, i'm loving Indiana summers and learning about combines and corn fields.

old and married

so things are looking up, and God is faithful, always providing. also, Tim and i just passed our one year anniversary. crazy.

we finally got our stimulus check, so Tim's car has hope of being repaired, or turned in...whichever is cheaper.

Tim surprised me (well, tried to)with tickets to the Brad Paisley concert last Thursday for my birthday. Kenny & Nicole came up for dinner, and we all went to the concert together. It was a lot of fun, and one of my favorite birthdays, as simple as it was. Good friends, good music, and a cookie cake. Oh, and a JOB OFFER. The principal from the elementary school I recently interviewed with called on my birthday to offer me a first grade teaching position. The day was complete.

we're also considering moving. not states, cities, churches, etc. but to another house. when the bugs kept falling out of the ceiling, and the termites had managed to unhinge the sliding glass door, it was almost the last straw on this house. i love being renters when stuff like that happens...just have to make a phone call! don't get me wrong, we're grateful that we had it to move into, since we only had a day to look while we were here, but opportunities present themselves and we are definitely considering. we had looked at this particular house months ago, just out of curiousity, but declined, knowing that it was much too soon and more than likely out of our price range. plus, the thought of actually committing to a place was terrifying.

the house situation was long forgotten when Tim got a phone call from the owner about a week ago. he was curious if we were still interested in buying the house, and if not..maybe renting? our ears perked up for sure, and we just chuckled that it was "so weird" that he called us out of the blue months later....but on the same week i finally landed a teaching job...and the same week we had both finally felt at home at BCC. weird?

i sat in the driveway of this possible house (don't worry, no one lives there) on Sunday afternoon, unbeknownst to Tim...praying that if God wanted us to plant seeds in the Anderson community and start to grow roots, that we needed a clear sign. i didn't want to just try and justify a great house for all its perks when it could clearly be a major financial mistake. and yes, i can usually convince myself of almost anything.

not even an hour later, Tim started a conversation about random things he'd been thinking since having a great day at church that morning, finally feeling at home, and finally seeing relationships with kids being established. it was one of those conversations where you take turns saying, "Yeah! Me too!"

once again, we fight the blurred vision that we have as fallen people and try to clear up how to know between God's plan and just odd coincidence. how to be wise and a person of faith at the same time.

huh.

God?

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Romans 12:15-16

i can't believe i've let so much time slip by between posts. grandad, i promise i'll start updating more often because i love your comments. :)

i've just returned from a whirlwind of life changing events. all in about 10 days' time, my youngest sister graduated from high school, and two of my very best friends have gotten married. i had a final job interview at a promising school this morning, and am still trying to shake this awful cold/flu thing that my lovely sister Ashley started for us all at the beach. needless to say, i'm exhausted.

my body is weak and tired, but it's an exact opposite reflection of what's going on inside. i'm stronger and more whole because of the last few weeks...it was the most beautiful thing i've seen in a long time to walk down the long corridor of the Norfolk airport and see my daddy literally bouncing up and down so happy to see me, of course, with a cup of Starbucks as a treat. we both commented how we felt like it was Christmas eve the night before, and kept waking up excited about the next day when we'd all be family back together again.

when my youngest sister ran towards me with tears in her eyes and just wrapped her arms around me when i walked into the skate shop where she works, nothing else in the world mattered. all the car expenses, taxes, dead end jobs, crazy dogs, and heating bills just didn't exist.

when two of my best girlfriends committed themselves to love and honor only one man for the rest of their lives in front of God and family, it was more emotional than on my own wedding day. when your best friend is walking down the aisle in a wedding dress, and all you can see is when she first walked into your dorm room, all sweaty from volleyball practice....it all feels different. i always prided myself on being emotionally stable in difficult or typically sentimental times, not because i had no heart, but because i wanted to make sure someone had their head on straight. not the case lately.

i never realized how protective and proud i was of the people i loved until the last few weeks. seeing my dad absolutely beaming when my sister walked out in her cap and gown; seeing my best friend sing her heart out to her new husband and you know she'd been waiting for exactly that moment since she was 10 (we have proof); and watching another favorite dancing with the man who will always protect her heart....it all fits into place.

i realized that i thrive off of moments like these in life. not because of the emotional highs, but because those highs are just results of years of trials, laughs, and just getting through life together.

i hope everyone has those moments where they live through the joy of other people they love. there's nothing like it. and i believe with all my heart that that's what God's greatest desire is....to beam from ear to ear because of the joy in the hearts of those He created.

where's my easy button?

i'm officially homesick. it's been months in indiana, and i'm homesick. but not just for my family, whom i do miss dearly, but for a sense of purpose and the "easier" life we had in virginia. in a conversation with tim the other day, he mentioned how he missed virginia because life seemed easier there. i bluntly reminded him, "well, we had more money and less bills." we laughed, but only half-heartedly. i've got to admit, when people ask me how we like it here, i have to think a little more than usual to answer. i want to say, "oh, we love it." but sometimes, i don't. but only because i feel like i have no sense of purpose driving 30 minutes south to work an hourly job that most of the time, i get let go early, and therefore only working enough hours to pay for that day's commute. i remind myself that my graduate degree that i worked hard for will go to use soon when i finally land a teaching job and can dive straight into using my talents for that. i remind myself that life isn't about the money, or the fancy jobs, but about the attitude and contentment that you seek in the day to day humility of being responsible and having to do what you need to make ends meet.

it's jobs like this that make me wonder if God had to stick me somewhere to force me to think about what i want out of life. so many times, i just wanted to cut corners with school and not go all the way, working for my graduate degree. i wanted to just "work a job" and be done with it. but now that i'm actually doing that, i want so much more. while dusting at the store today, i saw a mug that read, "Love what you do." i stopped. i thought that meant either of two things: i need to buck up, and appreciate the dollars that ARE coming in and invest in the people around me right now. or it means i need to be more aggressive in life and really strive to do something that i am all out passionate fore.

i think both are true.

i've heard it said before (or maybe it was another mug?) that life is too short to . nothing could be closer to the truth. i have so much i wish i could do, but i know that i won't ever get to do it. or is it that i've just given up already? i get these temporary "rushes" of inspiration to start looking up job opportunities for what i really want to do, and then after Googling for a few hours, i get discouraged again and walk back into the living room, now grumpy.

i thought it'd all start once i graduated college. then i thought it all started when i got married. then i thought it all started when we started over and moved.

but really...where do i start?



p.s. i promise i'll stop complaining soon and start writing something more...uh, uplifting?

lost but found

on a trip farther north to chesterton to surprise my best college friend for her bridal shower, i was refreshed. not only in friendship and the meaning of marriage, but refreshed by two rooms in a building. i walked into both of their classrooms, where they both teach lower elementary school and it was like it all came rushing back. as soon as the smell of dry erase markers and the sight of book baskets hit me, it was already familiar to me. it was the first time i'd been in that school, those rooms, and seen those things...but it was the same. for lack of better words, i just knew that teaching is part of what God has gifted me with to give to the world. i remarked that they seemed so "grown up" with their own classes, something we dreamed about as grad students not too long ago when the endless torture of internships and papers dragged on. i felt a twinge of jealousy and felt almost like i hadn't made it yet. and then i remembered that God's timing is unpredictable and perfect.

through college, i struggled off and on with the desire to teach and the desire to be involved in children's ministry. i knew ministry would have been the "easier" degree and shorter school career, but still stuck with teaching.

when i was offered a children's ministry job right out of college at a place i was already incredibly familiar with, a well endowed paycheck, and a staff i already considered friends, it was a match made in heaven. through the months of figuring out who i was as i sat behind a desk i thought i wanted so badly...i realized that i was created and woven together with threads of passion that only thrived in school hallways and on brightly colored carpets. i was designed to have certain passions and gifts, and God just needed a place to "keep" me for awhile until i realized my place.

the funny thing is, i still don't have a teaching job. i'm sure in foresight, i can only see the frustration and impatience of waiting for a job so in the meantime, i make trips to see friends and let them refuel my passion for life. and the God that loves and speaks through them. and the peace that lets me know that i was created to be a certain, specific someone.

hoosier country living

the past few weeks have been the first time i've EVER seen the city of Anderson without snow or rain or cold. i've never experienced Indiana in the spring or summer. it doesn't even begin to compare to the rolling hills of Seymour, TN but it has its own glory. but now i find beauty in our little backyard, now that the trees finally have leaves and the grass is growing at an incredible rate. i love the purple color of the crepe myrtle and the way the shed sits just right on the hill. i love that in the evenings, if you're quiet enough, you can wait for the white-tailed deer to come walking through the cornfield only several yards from the deck. i love the smell of firepits, almost more common than swimming pools.

on the peninsula in Virginia where we lived, it was nothing but the hustle and bustle of new shopping malls and everything commercially related being cramped together on a peninsula stuffed with growing families wanting wider roads for their SUV's and newer subdivisions for Home Owner's Associations to bicker over. i found things to be proud of in my "home town" like the rich history, the convenient commute to beach life, etc.

Anderson is not that, by any means. oh my, no. i know i often laugh when i'm describing our new town, but then i think...i only hit ONE traffic light on the way to church, i can actually take scenic drives that last longer than a few miles, i am getting used to recognizing combines, Amish stars actually look like they belong on the side of barns, and 200 E is a familiar road to me. in virginia, if you could see for miles it was because you were getting ready to land at norfolk airport. in anderson, it's because you just decided to take State Road 32.

i've never been one to call any state of the U.S. (or any country of eastern europe, for that matter) home for myself. i've moved around so much, i never really had much attachment to one place over the next. i never understood what was so great about taking pride in tractor country.

until i grew up, fell in love with a boy, and followed him back to Indiana.

fresh ink

For all of you who have actually been praying for some form of employment for me, thanks!

I just recently started working as part of a Store Installation Team for a Hallmark store. Basically, there's a new store going into a huge outdoor mall and I'm part of the many who are helping put it together. We have done everything from unloading, building sets and wall displays, setting product and learning systems for when the store opens. I was a little hesitant working at a cheesy card shop with a bunch of older ladies who were die hards for junky knick-knacks, but I am loving it.

I've worked over 30 hours this week and have been able to use my creative energy almost every day. It's actually quite eye-opening when you learn every single computer/organizational/product system for putting together a major retail chain. I couldn't ask for a better team of operations directors and managers to work with. Talk about patience and kindness-wow.

Once the store actually gets in full swing, I'll go back to being a sales associate, but I'll be put in charge of certain sections of the store to keep re-ordered, processed, and managed. It's amazing how much I've missed learning new things. Being around so much "creative product" it's really starting to motivate me to keep doing what I love most...painting, creating, writing. When you get to know the minds behind the clever greeting cards and elaborate gift wrapping, it rubs off!

I'll be working there for the rest of the spring and summer months, and then they are allowing me to return during any following summers when I'm not teaching. What a blessing! After tax season, dog hospital bills, and car maintenance...working feels really good.

uncle sam, bite me.

so the past few days, tim and i have realized how much being adults is overrated. it all started with figuring out all the taxes to be filed-so not in our favor. we piled that on top of tim's car having to be fixed TWICE and my car windshield having to be replaced last week. oh, don't forget. i still don't have a job and we've successfully used every last bit of anything resembling our savings from Virginia.

it's still raining and cold in Indiana, and I miss my friends and family like crazy. don't get me wrong, I have complete confidence in God's plans for us and this move. i think. but God, i'm tired of staying home all day feeling unproductive. i'm tired of feeling like if i only had a job, we could actually deal with all of this. i'm tired of being told that i'm "not allowed to leave a voicemail" by snotty school secretaries. and i'm tired of hearing, "check back with us at the end of the summer."

i'm sorry to vent all of this, and really sound very unlike a real adult, but to be honest....money sucks.

i wish for a time and place where we all live together with people we love the most, do what we love, and have just enough to be content. that's so not a world i'm familiar with, and i'm learning very quickly that it needs to be.

until then, long live the cooking shows, playing with the dog, and the continuous online search for any school systems within 30 miles that i may have missed.

cheers. hope you all are having a happy tax season.

happy birthday, dad.

okay, so in addition to a nice card that said only what Tim and I loved about my dad, I thought i'd share the love! he loves all of you who read, and i'm sure he'll love hearing from you via comments.

any comments, memories for the old man?

hi, i'm courtney and i'm addicted to cutting my hair

okay, so i'm going to admit it now. i can't grow my hair out. i just don't like it. or i get too impatient, i don't know which. tim will be quick to tell you it's the latter, but i think it's just the way i was made. God created me with short hair follicles and the desire for constant change.

*sigh. now that i have that off my chest, i can update you on the last few days, or weeks, or however long it's been since i last posted. i don't have much to post about since i have no job and the weather is still wintery.

tim and i are falling in love with our weimaraner, Angel, more and more every day. she is more like a person than i ever thought a dog could be. of course, we do cruel things like put her in hampers and cover her with blankets and then call her name to see if she remembers where the walls are, but....our kids will do that one day, so she needs fair warning. we're really just amused by her cleverness and love her to pieces. i learned tonight just how much she hates the rain. i took her outside to use the bathroom, and instead of just doing her thing and going inside real quick, she crawled under our deck and sat there staring at me. now I'M standing in the rain and yelling at the deck (what our neighbors see). she is still terrified of getting in her kennel when we leave, and she's learned that shoes don't indicate good things for her. she actually ran away from tim today when he told her to kennel, and it was a teeny tiny glimpse of what kids will be like. he reacted like any dad and, of course, i just watched and went "oooooooohhhhh!!!" like a kid in the first grade.

i interviewed to start substitute teaching (FINALLY)earlier this week, and then visited 7 different schools to hand in resumes and try to talk to principals. i must've had a sign that read, "I'M TRYING TO GET A JOB" on my forehead because none of the principals were available, oddly enough. i'll try another handful or so tomorrow, and remember to remove the sign.

tim and i are getting really involved in our new youth ministry here, and i think i almost saw his head explode the other day it was so full of new ideas. we like to call these first few months "Information Overload". we're really pumped about the changes we're going to be making to our youth service like adding tons of different elements, setting, etc. i've been roped into joining the drama team for sunday morning services with the adults, so if that doesn't get me out of my shell then there's no hope.

i'm ready for warmer weather and getting to use our backyard, deck, and firepit. it's just been getting snowed and rained on lately, and i'm afraid it won't be there after too long.

oh, and we just bought a GPS system for my car so i won't get lost as much. i mean, who names their roads after latitude and longitude ANYWAY??

things to be thankful for

hooded sweatshirts
warmer weather
grasshopper pie
weimaraners
new magazines
james taylor cds
new b&bworks soaps
fire pits
brown sugar & fig
in-laws
saturday mornings

frozen New York

I saw this on a friend's blog today. I think some of us thought about doing something similar on JBC's campus as freshman were driving in...? anyone remember that?

Anyway, whoever thought of this is genius.

that heartache Jake was talking about...

as i was reading blogs of friends that reminisced about good times at JBC...i panicked.

i panicked because i wanted to hold onto those memories and never let them get too fuzzy in my mind that i can't remember details. i panicked because it's all too easy to lose touch. i panicked because a part of me wishes those 4/5 years would have just frozen where they were in time. i panicked because Indiana, California, Tennessee, North Carolina, Kentucky, Puerto Rico, and wherever else we've landed are already too far.

i propose a vacation. whether it's as crazy as a cruise or as simple as a cabin in the Smokies...i think we should do it. maybe it's the cabin during homecoming week, when most people come back anyway... maybe it's late july when people have vacation time...

whatever it is, i can't STAND the thought of not having my JBC friends with me for the rest of my life. i miss the days of only a few square miles of campus, 2 dorms, and one cafeteria.

life is meant to be lived together.

*deep breath*

time for an update....for real.

first of all, like betsy said, it must have been awhile since i've last written because tim's even updated! i guess an office job'll do that.

i can't even figure out where to start. so much has happened since i last signed in. we moved to indiana, obviously, where i can only count the days i could actually see the grass on one hand. i love getting snow, but i'm starting to feel a little spring fever.

we love our little house and our stuff fits in it quite nicely. it's so nice to have a yard and a deck, which i'm so excited about using once the weather permits. tim's adjusting to his job well, and the kids have warmed up pretty nicely to us both. we're diving in to small groups, worship, studies, Starbucks trips, etc. it's wonderful being close to so many JBC friends, and i'm glad we'll be close enough to see Ella grow up:)

we added a member to our family, our weimaraner, Angel. we aren't too thrilled about the name, but since she's already trained with that name we figured changing it at this point wasn't worth it. her favorite outdoor activity is catching frisbees, which is what probably sold Tim. she's the most loving dog i've ever met (as she's barking at strangers while i type this) and she will do anything to make you love her. the only downfall is that weimaraners have separation anxiety. yes, seriously. she absolutely freaks out when we leave, and we've already had to replace mini-blinds and bandage her nose from trying to escape her kennel.

i'm still in the process of looking/waiting for jobs. moving somewhere new in february is probably the worst time to look for a teaching job. i'm just hoping and praying that God has a plan and in the meantime, He has provided.


time to take Angel on a walk now....to keep us both little.

do it yourself

the days are getting closer to when we make our big trip up north to move into our tiny old house. i'm so excited about having our own place with yard, deck, and basement. it will be so much fun to fix up little things here and there, too. our landlord is letting us paint whatever we want, which is WELL needed. it has a few kinks and quirks here and there, but with a little TLC and our own stuff in there, i think it will end up to be quite charming.

our new place has inspired us to create some new projects. so this last weekend, i made a headboard for our bed. SO much cheaper than an actual bed, and quite creative..which i love. it was dad's idea, of course, but i picked out the apholstery fabric, etc. we all helped put it together and it turned out pretty stinkin' awesome. SO easy, now that i know how to do it. and i paid less than $60 for the whole project! it will look great against our newly painted walls in our Indiana bedroom. we all felt pretty HGTVish when we were finished. I'll put up pictures when we get up there and it's all put together.

well, this week has been a lot of sitting in the office, wondering what i should be doing. i feel like i'd be more productive at home, trying to wrap things up for the move. nonetheless, i have to finish out my time here and do my best. (that's why i'm blogging....?)

cheers.

on the road again...

so now that it's official that we're moving to Anderson, it's been a crazy few days trying to think of everything we need to get done between now and then. we only have a few weeks left in Yorktown, and we haven't even started packing. oh wait, i put all my cookbooks and our DVD's in a box. that counts. i'm dreading having to move, since it feels like we JUST did it and this time, it's not as easy as moving in/out of college, where all you do is make sure your stuff is somewhat secure in several laundry baskets, and usually fold up your bedding and stick it in the passenger seat next to you. now, we have actual furniture to load, dishes to protect, etc. AND it's going to be february. in indiana.

my parents and sarah are coming up with us to help make the trip, since we'll be driving our 2 vehicles plus a Uhaul. it will take us at least 12 hours, the usual length of the trip without anything to slow you down. like weather. or Uhauls. or little sisters with unbelievably tiny bladders.

i'm having a blockage of creative posting abilities at the moment, so i'll just give you a brief update on life as it is right now:

we just returned from a short weekend in Indiana for the final congregational vote: passed.
tim's parents have offered to start painting our new house for us before we arrive: awesome.
my littlest sister has been accepted to college and is turning 18 in less than a week: weird.
i'm preparing myself for job hunting again, which includes applying to schools: hopefully not as bad as i think.

oh yeah, and we're going to start looking for a puppy to add to our family, now that we have a place that will be great for a dog. how excited am i!?

more like escape TO endless Mellencamp

so we're moving to Anderson, Indiana.

there, i said it. now those readers who have been wondering why the last few posts have been so vague or unsure...there. make sense?

it's been a long process of lightly treading on ground since we didn't even hold any "for sure" decisions for us. we were at a place in life where we had no idea what the next two months would look like. we had two very real scenarios in our heads, and we gave it all to God to let him turn the pages.

the last several months have been like reading a VERY slow Choose Your Own Adventure book....and we were sitting in God's lap as He was reading our story. when we got to the part where we had to choose the next part of the story...we look up at Him. and He looks down at us. and before we know it, the next chapter started out setting the stage with, "Indiana. February. Youth ministry."

to tell you the truth, it's a great sigh of relief and a huge whirlwind of emotions all in the same box. we moved back to Virginia and feels like we've been holding our breath the whole time, trying to figure out what we REALLY want to do with our lives. we've loved Virginia, and I wouldn't trade our time here for the world...there are so many things we've learned about each other and ourselves in the last several months.

i learned that i don't like being in children's ministry as much as i thought i would. in turn, i realized how much i have missed teaching. tim's learned that his desire for being in youth ministry has rekindled and being the wise man he is, took his time before plunging into the after-college ministry search in order to avoid a lot of mistakes. i've learned i have the most supportive husband in the world, moving back without hesitation to my home town and working a city job so that i could figure out if my dreams were real. i've learned to respect tim more than ever for being careful and wise in his decisions about ministry. i now know for a fact that he wouldn't dare make a move in any direction without being certain that it would be something he would be passionate about and that his family would be happy.

i know that God has things in store for us up north that will stretch us and may even make us doubt why we chose this chapter. but we're most excited about being somewhere that's "ours". our own church family, our own town, our own new house, our own new jobs. those are all new exciting things but, being an army brat my whole life, i know better.


Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.
-Arnold Bennett

life is coming

i can't muster up the deep thoughts or interesting events in my life to write about. but i'm still going to write. something will come.

i'm so excited about christmas time, and tim and i are finally going to have a christmas together. even while we were engaged, we spent the holidays at our seperate homes with our families, 12 hours away. this year, we'll have our own christmas AND get to spend it with both sides of the family. we put up our donated 6 foot artificial christmas tree, and, well...it's ours. that's why we like it. we had fun decorating our apartment for christmas, and then realized we have a lot of catching up to do with our mothers' decorating.

we are getting ready to fly up to Indiana once again, this time with Jake. i love flying, and i love Indiana. charlie's getting married, which is craaaazy, and i'm excited to be united with friends i haven't seen in a few months. we'll get to see Ella and realize how much we've missed already in her tiny little life and hopefully not catch the baby fever ourselves. hopefully we won't sit staring out the window and holding back tears as we're sitting in the airport waiting for our return flight like last time.

this month will fly by fast, and it's bittersweet. we have a lot of decisions to be made about life and jobs that this month brings. january is also a crazy busy month for children's ministry, which i'm honestly not really looking forward to. the weather's getting cold but probably won't bring snow, like most Virginia winters. my youngest sister was accepted into college.

depending on time, i've been considering going back to school at the community college for Art Instruction classes. i figure now is as good as any to continue to chase after my dreams of being an art teacher. if anything, i'll be doing something constructive. i know it's just an idea, but it's a step. i just won't accept that it won't be an option for me as a job at some point.

as for now, i haven't gotten back into art. i'm still waiting. for what, i don't know. i actually checked a book out from the library the other day that was recommended by a friend. i'm still trying to pry myself from associating reading with school books.

i'm definitely in the midst of figuring out who i am, and not trying to change what i'd like to be. for some reason, we tend to think when we finally get married, finally get out of school, finally get a job, etc. that we will have defined ourselves, but i find it to be quite the opposite. i think you end up sitting at your desk and wondering if you were crazy for wanting to do that in the first place. you look at the person you chose to marry and are forced to stare yourself in the mirror as well. you realize that life is happening, with our without you. all those things you had on your "i'd like to do this one day" list just became things you should have done yesterday.

to do lists

we all make to do lists at some point or another. i make them ALL the time. it started in class, when i was bored and wanted to remind myself of a life outside of school, and now i keep them faithfully....grocery lists, work deadlines, presents, hobbies, etc. just whatever i need to remind myself to do, i make a list.

they say you can tell a lot about someone by their to do lists. well here's mine:

move chairs for Sunday
make copies of seminar outline
clean apartment
order wedding pictures
look for christmas ornaments
chili for small group next week
check for Dad
clean car

walmart:
blinker bulb
shaving cream

now for a list a little more long term.

things i want to do at some point in my life:

raise a family
fix up an old house
start or help run a business
teach
go back to Europe
have a vegetable garden
read the entire Bible
work at a bakery
get really good at painting
learn to play a string instrument
take a road trip across the country
live in NYC
teach an art class


that's all i can think of, although i'm sure there will be more as i go through life weeding through what things are important, and what aren't.

what's that one reoccuring thing on your life's to do list?

an artist cannot fail; it is a success to be one.

i've noticed most people on my "links" list have updated lately, so i felt guilty and here i am, typing.

i really don't have much to say that i haven't already said. as far as life's events and decisions go, we're still playing the waiting game.

so onto something that i can think and dream about no matter where we are or what we get paid for.


i need to get back into art.

i have this hidden passion or creativity that sometimes (ok, really most of the time) gets tucked away behind the everyday habits of just getting through life and has nowhere to go. i've always had this desire to create beautiful things and i usually funnel that passion through pencils or paintbrushes. even collages. i'm not really that great at it. i couldn't paint a woman standing in on a dock with the wind blowing her skirt around her ankles, even if i wanted to. maybe i haven't explored it enough to feel successful at it, so i tend to steer towards just plain design. i love simplicity and, therefore, usually end up creating a painting that doesn't even fill up the entire canvas, has only 2 major shapes in it, or just is a bunch of colors and lines.

even still, i end up content and feeling somewhat talented. like i have something that makes me, me. like i have a "thing". a talent. something that makes me special and admired. it's almost the way that i try and show who i am or even, who i'd like to be by creating something that shows people something about myself in a way i know they'll never be able to see any other way. i'm not great at it. maybe not even good at it. but i love it.

and i've lost it recently. i haven't picked up a magazine clipping, a charcoal pencil, or bottle of acrylic in so long. i think i'm too busy trying to find something else that could make me unique instead of just doing what i love to do. perhaps i was waiting for that stage in life where i was "settled" and could focus on things like art or hobbies that have nothing to do with the world around me and the life i am so wrapped up in.

well, if that's so, then i may as well never think of myself as an artist.



The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work. -Emile Zola

Art is the most intense mode of individualism that the world has known. -Oscar Wilde

Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time. -Thomas Merton
(I'm making Tim proud with this one)

welcome home, tim.

this weekend, tim went to knoxville to go to an Old Crow concert with Bill, a UT game with Ben, visit Crossings, etc. needless to say, i was very jealous and wish i was able to go along. i'm actually surprised he came back.

friday started out alright, with a solo trip to Va Beach to check out some pretty cool stores i'd been wanting to go to. i bought myself more than i needed to, and then felt guilty for spending so much money. i do now have my own pair of chuck taylors, which was probably my favorite purchase of the day. i don't regret those. i'm definitely a victim of retail therapy.

while he was gone, my parents left for a cruise to Bermuda. jealous again. sarah's staying with us for the next week, so i get to play dog-sitter and sister-keeper. she and her friends are my favorite high school girls ever, so it was great fun to help fix hair and makeup for Homecoming this last weekend and host the slumber party after their dance. i also have to brag on Hope- my sister's bff that won Homecoming Queen WHILE wearing her football jersey. that's right. she's the only girl on a varsity football team in the district.

this was all after pulling off a Fall Festival for church for what we expected would be 1000 kids- all inside due to the 3 days of downpour that we had, going to walmart to stock up on food for the group of girls staying at our place, and walking up the stairs to find our apartment door open at 10:30pm. good thing i could run across the street to Lindsay & Nick's and make him come check EVERY nook & cranny in the apartment for killers-including the dryer.

add church to that, which is also a work day for me. making sure teachers are there on time, finding subs, passing out food drive bags, and preparing breakfast for 50+ volunteers.

by the time Tim got home on Sunday night, i was absolutely drained. to say the least. i cried for absolutely no reason, and then took a nap that lasted for almost 5 hours.

Tim and I both played hookie on Monday, cancelled our responsibilities for that night, and told real life to back off for one more day.


the up sides to the last few days:

fall weather is finally here.
i have an entire box of brownie mix at home.
ruth ann sent us a package with a nice Starbucks gift card at JUST the right time.
october will be over TOMORROW.

fence philosophy

so i really have no idea what my/our life's gonna look like in the next few months. we could still be here in virginia. we might not. we could still be a family of two. we might not. i could still have dark hair. i may not. ok, that's a little far, but the point is-i am learning to be okay with not knowing.

i've felt a little stressed/worried/pressured the last few days/weeks about things here in virginia. trying to figure out if i like it, if it works, if it's the best thing for us, if there's something out there that i'm more passionate about, or if i've just lost my passion from wandering around york county. it's a big deal, this grown-up thing. i also know the rewards of sticking things out and being dedicated, but that doesn't mean that change and something different or other decisions are necessarily bad, either.

i don't really recall any time in my life when i "just knew" that God wanted me somewhere. i saw the open and shut doors, the advantages or disadvantages, weighed my options based on my knowledge of "the long run" and made a decision the best i knew how. so far, it's been a pretty flawless process. i've ended up in my life healthy, happily married, educated, and wanting not.

but i also strongly believe that God may give us choices to make. He lays two (or three, or four) in front of us, and says, "It's up to you. I believe you'll choose wisely. Either way, serve me." And He lets us decide one small section of our life's journey and then gets to work helping prepare us further for that choice. Free will, right?

maybe i'm just doing some wishful thinking. maybe i'm on my tiptoes looking over the fence and thinking, "ooh, that grass is greener." maybe God's going to sit me/us down and say, "ok, guys. here's what i have. what do you think?"

scary, huh.

indiana's the wrong place to be breaking apart

so we're back from Indiana....ella and tim are, in fact, best friends. just like he predicted. i've never seen a boy and a baby so enamored with each other...other than her daddy, of course. we got to play "house" for awhile and help take care of the baby, cart her around to youth group, church, downtowns, restaurants and outlet malls. this weekend was food for the soul. tim and i took it all in while we could. we loved being with kenny & nicole and having a chance to spoil their baby girl. we went shopping, fed our Starbucks addiction, watched our shows, ate at Cracker Barrell and played speed scrabble-all memories for us. we got a chance to share in each other's lives even though we're close to a third of the way across the country.

we also go to see tim's parents and sarah...which was awesome. ruth ann had the usual roast, mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, etc. etc. for us on Sunday afternoon. we took naps and watched some good movies. tim finally got to see Reign Over Me- one of my favorites now. i missed goofing around and making faces with sarah. tim usually doesn't laugh as much as she does.

i sat in the airport, trying my hardest not to cry. i didn't want tim to see how much i'd fallen in love with indiana, too. of course, he saw. there we sat, thinking and doubting. we wondered if we'd ever find a place to settle into. we wondered what would make us happy. we thought about teaching, dreaming, ministering, starting a family, and sharing life with close friends.

we both had tickets in our hands, so we both got on the plane and came back.

one year completes the circle

i was reading old posts of mine on xanga, the blog i used to keep up. it's always interesting to go back and read something you've written a long time ago, especially if it's in the form of journaling due to the usual emotions that go along with it. i was reading entries from last October, when i was pretty well into student teaching, looking forward to going home for the holidays, barely getting into planning our wedding, and really struggling with what i was going to do with my life and where tim and i were supposed to be living. i was so ready to be moving on, starting something new, and enjoying life without being in school.

i've realized it's taken me a full year to come full circle.

even though i'm not in school anymore, but in some strange way or another....i'm at that same place again.

still trying to figure out what i want to do with my life. i'm confused about a job that i saw God place so obviously in front of me, and now i sit for hours at my desk wondering what else is out there. tim has a steady job, but still has no idea what he wants to do, either.

we miss Knoxville like you wouldn't even believe. Crossings, a church plant that i was a little hesitant about, seems like the kind of faith movement that's right for BOTH of us. the weather, the artsy city, the countryside...it's got it all.


we've settled down together....and in turn, become more restless.
how is that fair?


ps. happy one month birthday, ella grace gooch. we get to finally meet TOMORROW!

the alphabet versus the goddess

i was in Borders yesterday, exploring the Psychology section, a section that i would frequently visit (and purchase feverishly from) at McKay's in Knoxville. i was interested to see what was considered "new release" in big shot bookstore psychology.

an interesting title caught my eye: The Alphabet versus the Goddess: The Conflict between Word and Image.

this book intrigued me. i started reading the cover flap and discovered that it was actually a guy's thesis on how written language has a "masculine" effect on culture because it uses the left hemisphere of the brain, which controls linear thought. if you consider visualization, vision, and seeing the "big picture" or an abstract thought process as right brained (or feminine), then his theory makes sense. he explores several different people groups and events in history and writes that society has moved from a feminine way of thinking (when groups of people prayed to the goddesses of the earth, and had no written language, their cultures based completely on character and told stories) to the movement of written laws and literature and therefore became more masculine. he then explains that society could possibly be moving back towards the feminine way of thinking with all the sci-fi and fantasy-like media, movies, music, etc. he thinks society could be meeting an equilibrium of both ways of thinking. he says that visual orientation is moving its way back into society, especially with the rise of power in women authority/political figures.

oh, hillary. you might have a chance.

many people have opinions about his book, mostly saying that one way of thinking is good and the other is bad.

what do you think?
is it good for society to have a linear, practical, masculine way of thinking.....or a visually-oriented, abstract, visionary feminine way of thinking?


what's sad is that he implies that no one is using their ENTIRE brain-only one half at a time.








this is totally a dr. ketchen conversation.

the first of october

the weather is finally looking and acting like fall could happen sometime soon. i'm excited. i'm with tim- when the fall weather gets here, you're just automatically in a better mood.

helped out with another wedding this weekend, a fall wedding. it was beautiful and made me want to do mine all over in the fall. sike. but it was beautiful.

the children's ministry job is still going well. i'm sloooooowly learning how to lead, and i miss teaching more and more every day. thought about subbing on fridays, but then i remembered that i need that day as my "sane time" before i head into another weekend of ministry. it's a hell of a lot harder than i thought.

we're going to see Kenny & Nicole in less than 2 weeks and i'm SO excited. we're really ready to meet Ella Grace, and from what i hear, she's ready to meet us, too. we miss watching Grey's with them and the Wolfs, playing games, and just being the 4 of us. the only part i'm okay with changing is that there is now another person to learn how to play Nerts.

we have a lot of things to look forward to in October, one being Montebello this weekend! it's not going to be the same without the carloads of JBC friends to bring, but it's Montebello, and it's freaking awesome. apple festivals, picking our own pumpkins, camp fires, beautiful trees, s'mores (how excited am I??), hugest sleepover ever. good times. heck of a tradition.

i'm learning how to cook a lot more, now that i'm addicted to Take Home Chef and have my own kitchen stocked full of fun Pampered Chef toys. it's hard to cook for just two, and Tim tells me i have to stop baking and cooking so well to keep him healthy.

this is a random post and i don't really have much else to report. my apologies.
but life is moving along and the seasons are changing.

uncertain september

so tim and i are going on 3 months of being married.
ella grace is already 2 weeks old.
i'm entering my fourth month of being an associate children's minister.

life is weird right now.

i'm not sure why, but it is. i don't know if it's because i feel like i'm supposed to be settling in, but i don't feel like i am. it is home, though. it's where my parents live, i went to high school, i grew up in an awesome youth ministry, and got married at my home church.

maybe i'm just so programmed to live in a temporary state in my life, so that i'm always looking forward to what's next. we knew this is where God wanted us, the plans just seemed to lay themselves out. the timing, the job, the apartment, the people we already knew. it was all set out in front of us, and it was exciting. we knew this would be the perfect place for us to get on our feet and get established in all things life before we "really knew what we wanted to do".

but every day, i dream and think about what's to come. i think about moving closer to friends. i think about how much i miss teaching, despite how ready i was for a break.

i know tim doesn't see life in virginia the way i did. his job is just a job, and that wears on someone. his opportunities to do ministry are there, but i sense that he's not "free" to do ministry like he'd really like to. and that wears on me. we'd both really love to find somewhere we can engross ourselves into it. maybe we can, we just have to do it.

so what's going on? am i just not good at being content in my given situation? have i lived in a state of anxiousness and looking forward to events for so long that i've trained my mind to do the same? do i need to struggle through the uncomfortable insecurities of the present in order to grow and be ready for the future?

so for now, i'm loving this virginia home.

happy birthday, baby gooch!

i'm really trying to get back into the habit of blogging at least once a week. hint- it encourages me to do so if i see comments. :) seriously, though...i love being able to share a little bit of how life is now that everyone who was my life before is all doing life in different parts of everywhere.

today, we're celebrating a birthday. nicole FINALLY went into labor this morning, and i am SO EXCITED. but it hit me...we were all so ready for this baby to be here, but now that i know they will actually be holding their own child today, their vows in flesh and blood, it's like it's news all over again. i can't even begin to imagine how that feels. hopefully now, tim and i can put our trip up to see them on the calendar and get to hold their tiny miracle for ourselves sometime soon. then i can give her the tiny faux leather & fur snow boots i bought her the other day. this is going to be one hot kid.

this last week, i really felt like i went through the ringer in ministry. i'm really getting to the point of finding out the in's and out's of how this all works, and even then, i know that it will still take awhile (if ever) before i'm there. i finally dealt with my first "explosion" of unhappy people on Sunday mornings. i knew it would happen, and now i can say "ok, well now that that's over..." but i really ended up going through a week of fear, doubt, insecurity, and then coming through it with a lot more under my belt and a really good idea of what i need to do. unfortunately, i have a hankerin' (i miss tn) that that won't be the only time i learn something like that.

tonight is a little bit exciting. i'm being commissioned into full time ministry with a little mini-ceremony tonight at the start of the elder's meeting. it's kindof the equivalent of being ordained into ministry, but not as fancy (in my words). just my family, tim, maynards, nick & lindsay are going to be there, with the rest of the church staff and elders, of course. so it will be quaint and small, and meaningful. just some news that should be shared. definitely not as exciting as a baby being born, though. come on.

well, life is happening, and taking me with it. it's been interesting to see how i've been growing and being stretched and twisted throughout the last few months. i always thought that once i got out of college and got married, that i'd finally be a "resting point" and feel like i've gotten somewhere, but i really think now is the time i'm starting to feel the momentum of being molded through Christ. weird.

God's always gotta keep us moving. as my old friend Chad says, "keep on truckin'."

labor day banana splits

this weekend was truly a weekend. four days long, and nothing to do but eat good food, visit with family, and take naps.

my aunt jen and uncle joe came into town this weekend. they're the kind of relatives that can call us up and ask, "can we come visit?" the truth was, they are having their floors in their house redone, and they had to escape the smell of ether. just as well, i was excited to spend time with them without the craziness of a wedding weekend.

we had tuna steaks, corn on the cob, caprise salad, a five pound bag of Hanover's pretzels (which we ate in entirety), and our best menu- banana splits for dinner.

if i could describe my aunt jen, it would be a description similar to a character in a children's storybook. she is beautiful and graceful, but loud and bold at the same time. she has lived through tragedies in her health, marriage, and family. she knows every aching heart that comes at her, and can recognize character traits in you that you didn't even think you had. she loves to read aloud, even to me at 23. she is well-read, well-versed, and can pull the deepest doubts and fears from you after a simple conversation. she recognizes God in everyone, and has a contagious learning streak in her that makes you want to know everything about everything. she is talented as a seamstress, a chef, a mother, a grandmother, a medical nurse, a sister, a wife, and a prayer warrior.

after this weekend, when the boys all sat in the den for what seemed like all day, watching movies and eating pretzels, the ladies sat on the deck under umbrellas strung with white lights and our ice cream, talking for HOURS about our lives and the people in them. we talked about the women we've become, and the women we'd like to still be.

it was refreshing, to say the least, to enter into more of an "adulthood" after those few days. i was really included as a "grown up" and got to talk freely about marriage, faith, friendship, and food. i think i've learned more about becoming the woman i want to be in those 4 days than i have ever sat down to really think about.

i now have a new challenge. or maybe it's not new- maybe i've never challenged myself with it before. but i have to decide who i want to be. i want to be able to sit on the porch under white lights and share with my newly married neice and sister-in-law how my life has molded me into the woman i am.

my new favorite things

Snickers Dark Chocolate
Sunday lunch
Banana Coladas
girls' nights w/ tim
s'mores
mountain biking
high heels
Cajun Talapia from Applebee's
tshirt sheets
LA Ink
Take Home Chef
tim's old blanket
Wednesday night small group
vintage food ads
painted fingernails
Peanut Paradise smoothies w/ soy protein
yellow
working out early in the morning (gasp!)
library books
Rachel Clemons

another wedding & unfinished offices

lindsay and nick are now officially husband and wife. she was probably the most perfect bride i've ever seen, and nick was probably the most nervous groom i've ever seen! the weekend was full of fun friends and laughs. the girls went and got our nails done, had a dance party, fashion show (really it was only Summer & I), fancy bridal breakfast, jacob came in town for a long weekend, and we stood through one of the hottest weddings ever, trying to stay still with sweat dripping down our legs.

it's so much fun to share in the same season of life with friends. it's pretty easy when it seems like EVERY one of our friends is engaged. it's also very nice to relax and be a part of the celebration without having the stress of being the bride!

i'm starting to settle into my new job. the new school year is starting, and even though i'm not teaching, we have a pretty hectic September along with everyone else. summer events are over, but new teachers have to be recruited, trained, given supplies, and kids have to be promoted to their new classes. this job is all about the people skills and the details- sometimes not my biggest strengths.

i'm a little overwhelmed as i sit here in my office, which is still being pieced together. countertops are just waiting to be taken apart, books on the floor, pictures not hung up. i think once i get a good workspace, i'll feel a little more at home and productive. i'm also overwhelmed by the responsibility of being answerable to so many people who are older than me. i've gained the respect of knowing what i'm doing by my degrees sitting on the shelf, but the every day nervous pit in my stomach that i'm going to run into someone who finds out my secret- i'm still not sure what i'm doing. But until then, I will love people as much as I know how and take it one day at a time.

We're excited about this fall coming up, with summer schedules maybe calming down a little bit. Nick & Lindsay won't be in wedding mode anymore, so they can hang out and do neighborly stuff with us. Our small group is slowly becoming a "Newly Marrieds" group, but we're spreading the love of speed scrabble and mountain biking to everyone we can get our hands on.

We're planning a trip later this month to go see the Gooch family- baby Gooch needs to arrive soon so we can start packing! I'm absolutely and incredibly excited about that trip- I know it will blow me away to hold her and see her with her amazing parents. Let's just hope we don't come back with baby fever!

Well, this has been more of an update on our activities lately, but with those of us who don't live close anymore, sometimes that's nice.

Fall will be hard here on the east coast.

dragonflies and the art of bicycle maintenance

Tim and I have taken up mountain biking. It's something we've always said we'd like to do, so when Dad asked us want we wanted as graduation gifts, we knew this was our chance to get something as a gift that we would never be able to afford ourselves.

Mine is blue (as shown) and Tim's is red. These bikes are incredible. Tim's taken his out on more rides and mini adventure races than I have, mostly due to VBS week. He and a few more experienced bike racers in the church have taken him and Nick (Lindsay's fiance) under their wing and shown them a few good trails around the area.

My parents bought a pair, too. I knew that would happen, given the time that I got a new car and Dad bought one for himself as well. It's awesome to have something for the four of us to go do together. We've ridden everywhere from neighborhoods to the battlefields, and recently, Mom & Dad & I conquered a pretty tough trail full of drops, roots, fallen trees, sand, etc.

My shining (and slightly novice) moment was when I flipped my bike on the trail, rolled the bike off me and stood up thinking, "That was awesome." Lindsay might not appreciate the bruised legs I'll be baring in her wedding, but I'm a real biker now. I can't help it.

We were beginning the trail this last Saturday morning, and I was riding across a wooden bridge in the middle of what couldnt' be named as anything else but just plain swamp, and three dragonflies flew right alongside me for what seemed like minutes.

They kept right in step, flying next to me and never running into me or leaving my side. It was as if we both were of the same make at the time, both thinking, "yeah, I know. it really is beautiful out here. can you imagine what it was originally supposed to look like?"

oftentimes, when caught up in a moment of awe at nature's beauty- even in such an urban area of Virginia- it's as if God reminds me:


"You think this is beautiful, but I really wish you could've seen its orginal plan."

makes you kinda ache, doesn't it?

now that we've been living here

I miss those days
I miss those days
Autumn is falling
And I won’t be going away

I miss those years
I miss those tears
The tears that were falling
Cause no one was calling my name

A thousand people just like me
All frightened and excited to begin
I miss those days
They won’t be coming back again

I miss that life
I miss those nights
Looking for someone
To hold and to cherish
To love me despite

The thousand people I tried to be
Just like everyone
I was looking around for me
I miss those days
It felt good to be sad and lonely

But I am happy now
Oh so happy that I’ve found you
And I am quiet now
Yes, and quite content
Now that we’ve been living here
Cause I’ve got everything I’d ever needed
And half the things I’d ever want
And I miss those days
But if they came back
I would miss you so much more


This song nails it. I can't think of another that exists and would describe the way I feel about fall approaching next month and not returning to JBC.

For the last five years, my life was created and molded by the people and teachings of Johnson. I fell in and out of love several times there. I fell back in love unexpectedly and found my husband. I became who I was by the people I loved and the friends that I made. I met lifelong friends, people who, when I think about being so far from them, makes me physically hurt from missing them. We grew up, learned, fought, cried, laughed A LOT, played, grew tired, grew strong, and loved each other with everything we had in us.

The last verse is where it gets me, though. Although I absolutely cherished every moment I had at school, I wouldn't go back for the sake of having to take back the first 2 months of starting a life with Tim. Now I have, wrapped up in one person, someone to grow old with, learn, fight, cry, laugh, play, grow tired, grow strong, and love with everything I have in me.

"I've got everything I've ever needed here,and half the things I'd ever want."

I miss the hell out of Johnson because of the friendships I left with, but life goes on for all of us, and it's not the last time I'll get to laugh and cry with any of you.

But for now, this is my place.

life after the fact

so it's been over a month since i've last blogged, and a LOT has happened.

i will spare the silly details, since most of you were a part of our big events in the last month.

i can say that our wedding was the best day of my life. not only because tim and i were getting married, but because i was in a constant state of feeling overwhelmed by the friendship, love, and FUN that we all shared. it was a beautiful day and i everyone who meant everything to us was a part of it. tim and i are still spinning from the feeling of being surrounded by our best friends and our amazing families. so to those of you who made it sooooooo special....THANK YOU doesn't even cut it. we were blown away.

i'm now into my second full week of being an associate children's minister. it's been another overwhelming experience, and one that is both exciting and scary at the same time. there are some great perks- a new apple powerbook, my own huge (but still very empty) office, flexible hours, awesome co-workers, working with my mom every day, etc. i'm still in the state of trying to wrap my mind around the incredible amount of vision that someone has to have in this type of a ministry. we're getting ready to add on a new children's wing, start new curriculum, and pretty much explode into new extensions of ministry we didn't think possible a year or so ago. it's an incredible amount of responsibility but God has been in the details and in every volunteer that's welcomed me so far.

tim and i are officially settled into our new place, and me being the picky and precise person i am when it comes to decorating, i'm still "considering" where things should go on the walls, colors for each room, etc.

dad bought tim and i nice mountain bikes for a graduation/wedding present, and my parents ended up jumping on the bandwagon as well. now the four of us can go ride all over the battlefields, the beaches, or wherever we choose!

we're headed to IN this weekend for another wedding reception and to say hi to alot of people that I won't know:) my parents are coming as well, so we're loading up mom's new car w/ plenty of The Office dvd's, snacks, and things to keep us happy for 13 hours one way. another chance to see our friends and just get away - i love it!


well, back to work. it's vbs week. 'nuff said.