where's my easy button?

i'm officially homesick. it's been months in indiana, and i'm homesick. but not just for my family, whom i do miss dearly, but for a sense of purpose and the "easier" life we had in virginia. in a conversation with tim the other day, he mentioned how he missed virginia because life seemed easier there. i bluntly reminded him, "well, we had more money and less bills." we laughed, but only half-heartedly. i've got to admit, when people ask me how we like it here, i have to think a little more than usual to answer. i want to say, "oh, we love it." but sometimes, i don't. but only because i feel like i have no sense of purpose driving 30 minutes south to work an hourly job that most of the time, i get let go early, and therefore only working enough hours to pay for that day's commute. i remind myself that my graduate degree that i worked hard for will go to use soon when i finally land a teaching job and can dive straight into using my talents for that. i remind myself that life isn't about the money, or the fancy jobs, but about the attitude and contentment that you seek in the day to day humility of being responsible and having to do what you need to make ends meet.

it's jobs like this that make me wonder if God had to stick me somewhere to force me to think about what i want out of life. so many times, i just wanted to cut corners with school and not go all the way, working for my graduate degree. i wanted to just "work a job" and be done with it. but now that i'm actually doing that, i want so much more. while dusting at the store today, i saw a mug that read, "Love what you do." i stopped. i thought that meant either of two things: i need to buck up, and appreciate the dollars that ARE coming in and invest in the people around me right now. or it means i need to be more aggressive in life and really strive to do something that i am all out passionate fore.

i think both are true.

i've heard it said before (or maybe it was another mug?) that life is too short to . nothing could be closer to the truth. i have so much i wish i could do, but i know that i won't ever get to do it. or is it that i've just given up already? i get these temporary "rushes" of inspiration to start looking up job opportunities for what i really want to do, and then after Googling for a few hours, i get discouraged again and walk back into the living room, now grumpy.

i thought it'd all start once i graduated college. then i thought it all started when i got married. then i thought it all started when we started over and moved.

but really...where do i start?



p.s. i promise i'll stop complaining soon and start writing something more...uh, uplifting?

lost but found

on a trip farther north to chesterton to surprise my best college friend for her bridal shower, i was refreshed. not only in friendship and the meaning of marriage, but refreshed by two rooms in a building. i walked into both of their classrooms, where they both teach lower elementary school and it was like it all came rushing back. as soon as the smell of dry erase markers and the sight of book baskets hit me, it was already familiar to me. it was the first time i'd been in that school, those rooms, and seen those things...but it was the same. for lack of better words, i just knew that teaching is part of what God has gifted me with to give to the world. i remarked that they seemed so "grown up" with their own classes, something we dreamed about as grad students not too long ago when the endless torture of internships and papers dragged on. i felt a twinge of jealousy and felt almost like i hadn't made it yet. and then i remembered that God's timing is unpredictable and perfect.

through college, i struggled off and on with the desire to teach and the desire to be involved in children's ministry. i knew ministry would have been the "easier" degree and shorter school career, but still stuck with teaching.

when i was offered a children's ministry job right out of college at a place i was already incredibly familiar with, a well endowed paycheck, and a staff i already considered friends, it was a match made in heaven. through the months of figuring out who i was as i sat behind a desk i thought i wanted so badly...i realized that i was created and woven together with threads of passion that only thrived in school hallways and on brightly colored carpets. i was designed to have certain passions and gifts, and God just needed a place to "keep" me for awhile until i realized my place.

the funny thing is, i still don't have a teaching job. i'm sure in foresight, i can only see the frustration and impatience of waiting for a job so in the meantime, i make trips to see friends and let them refuel my passion for life. and the God that loves and speaks through them. and the peace that lets me know that i was created to be a certain, specific someone.

hoosier country living

the past few weeks have been the first time i've EVER seen the city of Anderson without snow or rain or cold. i've never experienced Indiana in the spring or summer. it doesn't even begin to compare to the rolling hills of Seymour, TN but it has its own glory. but now i find beauty in our little backyard, now that the trees finally have leaves and the grass is growing at an incredible rate. i love the purple color of the crepe myrtle and the way the shed sits just right on the hill. i love that in the evenings, if you're quiet enough, you can wait for the white-tailed deer to come walking through the cornfield only several yards from the deck. i love the smell of firepits, almost more common than swimming pools.

on the peninsula in Virginia where we lived, it was nothing but the hustle and bustle of new shopping malls and everything commercially related being cramped together on a peninsula stuffed with growing families wanting wider roads for their SUV's and newer subdivisions for Home Owner's Associations to bicker over. i found things to be proud of in my "home town" like the rich history, the convenient commute to beach life, etc.

Anderson is not that, by any means. oh my, no. i know i often laugh when i'm describing our new town, but then i think...i only hit ONE traffic light on the way to church, i can actually take scenic drives that last longer than a few miles, i am getting used to recognizing combines, Amish stars actually look like they belong on the side of barns, and 200 E is a familiar road to me. in virginia, if you could see for miles it was because you were getting ready to land at norfolk airport. in anderson, it's because you just decided to take State Road 32.

i've never been one to call any state of the U.S. (or any country of eastern europe, for that matter) home for myself. i've moved around so much, i never really had much attachment to one place over the next. i never understood what was so great about taking pride in tractor country.

until i grew up, fell in love with a boy, and followed him back to Indiana.

fresh ink

For all of you who have actually been praying for some form of employment for me, thanks!

I just recently started working as part of a Store Installation Team for a Hallmark store. Basically, there's a new store going into a huge outdoor mall and I'm part of the many who are helping put it together. We have done everything from unloading, building sets and wall displays, setting product and learning systems for when the store opens. I was a little hesitant working at a cheesy card shop with a bunch of older ladies who were die hards for junky knick-knacks, but I am loving it.

I've worked over 30 hours this week and have been able to use my creative energy almost every day. It's actually quite eye-opening when you learn every single computer/organizational/product system for putting together a major retail chain. I couldn't ask for a better team of operations directors and managers to work with. Talk about patience and kindness-wow.

Once the store actually gets in full swing, I'll go back to being a sales associate, but I'll be put in charge of certain sections of the store to keep re-ordered, processed, and managed. It's amazing how much I've missed learning new things. Being around so much "creative product" it's really starting to motivate me to keep doing what I love most...painting, creating, writing. When you get to know the minds behind the clever greeting cards and elaborate gift wrapping, it rubs off!

I'll be working there for the rest of the spring and summer months, and then they are allowing me to return during any following summers when I'm not teaching. What a blessing! After tax season, dog hospital bills, and car maintenance...working feels really good.

uncle sam, bite me.

so the past few days, tim and i have realized how much being adults is overrated. it all started with figuring out all the taxes to be filed-so not in our favor. we piled that on top of tim's car having to be fixed TWICE and my car windshield having to be replaced last week. oh, don't forget. i still don't have a job and we've successfully used every last bit of anything resembling our savings from Virginia.

it's still raining and cold in Indiana, and I miss my friends and family like crazy. don't get me wrong, I have complete confidence in God's plans for us and this move. i think. but God, i'm tired of staying home all day feeling unproductive. i'm tired of feeling like if i only had a job, we could actually deal with all of this. i'm tired of being told that i'm "not allowed to leave a voicemail" by snotty school secretaries. and i'm tired of hearing, "check back with us at the end of the summer."

i'm sorry to vent all of this, and really sound very unlike a real adult, but to be honest....money sucks.

i wish for a time and place where we all live together with people we love the most, do what we love, and have just enough to be content. that's so not a world i'm familiar with, and i'm learning very quickly that it needs to be.

until then, long live the cooking shows, playing with the dog, and the continuous online search for any school systems within 30 miles that i may have missed.

cheers. hope you all are having a happy tax season.

happy birthday, dad.

okay, so in addition to a nice card that said only what Tim and I loved about my dad, I thought i'd share the love! he loves all of you who read, and i'm sure he'll love hearing from you via comments.

any comments, memories for the old man?

hi, i'm courtney and i'm addicted to cutting my hair

okay, so i'm going to admit it now. i can't grow my hair out. i just don't like it. or i get too impatient, i don't know which. tim will be quick to tell you it's the latter, but i think it's just the way i was made. God created me with short hair follicles and the desire for constant change.

*sigh. now that i have that off my chest, i can update you on the last few days, or weeks, or however long it's been since i last posted. i don't have much to post about since i have no job and the weather is still wintery.

tim and i are falling in love with our weimaraner, Angel, more and more every day. she is more like a person than i ever thought a dog could be. of course, we do cruel things like put her in hampers and cover her with blankets and then call her name to see if she remembers where the walls are, but....our kids will do that one day, so she needs fair warning. we're really just amused by her cleverness and love her to pieces. i learned tonight just how much she hates the rain. i took her outside to use the bathroom, and instead of just doing her thing and going inside real quick, she crawled under our deck and sat there staring at me. now I'M standing in the rain and yelling at the deck (what our neighbors see). she is still terrified of getting in her kennel when we leave, and she's learned that shoes don't indicate good things for her. she actually ran away from tim today when he told her to kennel, and it was a teeny tiny glimpse of what kids will be like. he reacted like any dad and, of course, i just watched and went "oooooooohhhhh!!!" like a kid in the first grade.

i interviewed to start substitute teaching (FINALLY)earlier this week, and then visited 7 different schools to hand in resumes and try to talk to principals. i must've had a sign that read, "I'M TRYING TO GET A JOB" on my forehead because none of the principals were available, oddly enough. i'll try another handful or so tomorrow, and remember to remove the sign.

tim and i are getting really involved in our new youth ministry here, and i think i almost saw his head explode the other day it was so full of new ideas. we like to call these first few months "Information Overload". we're really pumped about the changes we're going to be making to our youth service like adding tons of different elements, setting, etc. i've been roped into joining the drama team for sunday morning services with the adults, so if that doesn't get me out of my shell then there's no hope.

i'm ready for warmer weather and getting to use our backyard, deck, and firepit. it's just been getting snowed and rained on lately, and i'm afraid it won't be there after too long.

oh, and we just bought a GPS system for my car so i won't get lost as much. i mean, who names their roads after latitude and longitude ANYWAY??

things to be thankful for

hooded sweatshirts
warmer weather
grasshopper pie
weimaraners
new magazines
james taylor cds
new b&bworks soaps
fire pits
brown sugar & fig
in-laws
saturday mornings

frozen New York

I saw this on a friend's blog today. I think some of us thought about doing something similar on JBC's campus as freshman were driving in...? anyone remember that?

Anyway, whoever thought of this is genius.

that heartache Jake was talking about...

as i was reading blogs of friends that reminisced about good times at JBC...i panicked.

i panicked because i wanted to hold onto those memories and never let them get too fuzzy in my mind that i can't remember details. i panicked because it's all too easy to lose touch. i panicked because a part of me wishes those 4/5 years would have just frozen where they were in time. i panicked because Indiana, California, Tennessee, North Carolina, Kentucky, Puerto Rico, and wherever else we've landed are already too far.

i propose a vacation. whether it's as crazy as a cruise or as simple as a cabin in the Smokies...i think we should do it. maybe it's the cabin during homecoming week, when most people come back anyway... maybe it's late july when people have vacation time...

whatever it is, i can't STAND the thought of not having my JBC friends with me for the rest of my life. i miss the days of only a few square miles of campus, 2 dorms, and one cafeteria.

life is meant to be lived together.

*deep breath*

time for an update....for real.

first of all, like betsy said, it must have been awhile since i've last written because tim's even updated! i guess an office job'll do that.

i can't even figure out where to start. so much has happened since i last signed in. we moved to indiana, obviously, where i can only count the days i could actually see the grass on one hand. i love getting snow, but i'm starting to feel a little spring fever.

we love our little house and our stuff fits in it quite nicely. it's so nice to have a yard and a deck, which i'm so excited about using once the weather permits. tim's adjusting to his job well, and the kids have warmed up pretty nicely to us both. we're diving in to small groups, worship, studies, Starbucks trips, etc. it's wonderful being close to so many JBC friends, and i'm glad we'll be close enough to see Ella grow up:)

we added a member to our family, our weimaraner, Angel. we aren't too thrilled about the name, but since she's already trained with that name we figured changing it at this point wasn't worth it. her favorite outdoor activity is catching frisbees, which is what probably sold Tim. she's the most loving dog i've ever met (as she's barking at strangers while i type this) and she will do anything to make you love her. the only downfall is that weimaraners have separation anxiety. yes, seriously. she absolutely freaks out when we leave, and we've already had to replace mini-blinds and bandage her nose from trying to escape her kennel.

i'm still in the process of looking/waiting for jobs. moving somewhere new in february is probably the worst time to look for a teaching job. i'm just hoping and praying that God has a plan and in the meantime, He has provided.


time to take Angel on a walk now....to keep us both little.

do it yourself

the days are getting closer to when we make our big trip up north to move into our tiny old house. i'm so excited about having our own place with yard, deck, and basement. it will be so much fun to fix up little things here and there, too. our landlord is letting us paint whatever we want, which is WELL needed. it has a few kinks and quirks here and there, but with a little TLC and our own stuff in there, i think it will end up to be quite charming.

our new place has inspired us to create some new projects. so this last weekend, i made a headboard for our bed. SO much cheaper than an actual bed, and quite creative..which i love. it was dad's idea, of course, but i picked out the apholstery fabric, etc. we all helped put it together and it turned out pretty stinkin' awesome. SO easy, now that i know how to do it. and i paid less than $60 for the whole project! it will look great against our newly painted walls in our Indiana bedroom. we all felt pretty HGTVish when we were finished. I'll put up pictures when we get up there and it's all put together.

well, this week has been a lot of sitting in the office, wondering what i should be doing. i feel like i'd be more productive at home, trying to wrap things up for the move. nonetheless, i have to finish out my time here and do my best. (that's why i'm blogging....?)

cheers.

on the road again...

so now that it's official that we're moving to Anderson, it's been a crazy few days trying to think of everything we need to get done between now and then. we only have a few weeks left in Yorktown, and we haven't even started packing. oh wait, i put all my cookbooks and our DVD's in a box. that counts. i'm dreading having to move, since it feels like we JUST did it and this time, it's not as easy as moving in/out of college, where all you do is make sure your stuff is somewhat secure in several laundry baskets, and usually fold up your bedding and stick it in the passenger seat next to you. now, we have actual furniture to load, dishes to protect, etc. AND it's going to be february. in indiana.

my parents and sarah are coming up with us to help make the trip, since we'll be driving our 2 vehicles plus a Uhaul. it will take us at least 12 hours, the usual length of the trip without anything to slow you down. like weather. or Uhauls. or little sisters with unbelievably tiny bladders.

i'm having a blockage of creative posting abilities at the moment, so i'll just give you a brief update on life as it is right now:

we just returned from a short weekend in Indiana for the final congregational vote: passed.
tim's parents have offered to start painting our new house for us before we arrive: awesome.
my littlest sister has been accepted to college and is turning 18 in less than a week: weird.
i'm preparing myself for job hunting again, which includes applying to schools: hopefully not as bad as i think.

oh yeah, and we're going to start looking for a puppy to add to our family, now that we have a place that will be great for a dog. how excited am i!?

more like escape TO endless Mellencamp

so we're moving to Anderson, Indiana.

there, i said it. now those readers who have been wondering why the last few posts have been so vague or unsure...there. make sense?

it's been a long process of lightly treading on ground since we didn't even hold any "for sure" decisions for us. we were at a place in life where we had no idea what the next two months would look like. we had two very real scenarios in our heads, and we gave it all to God to let him turn the pages.

the last several months have been like reading a VERY slow Choose Your Own Adventure book....and we were sitting in God's lap as He was reading our story. when we got to the part where we had to choose the next part of the story...we look up at Him. and He looks down at us. and before we know it, the next chapter started out setting the stage with, "Indiana. February. Youth ministry."

to tell you the truth, it's a great sigh of relief and a huge whirlwind of emotions all in the same box. we moved back to Virginia and feels like we've been holding our breath the whole time, trying to figure out what we REALLY want to do with our lives. we've loved Virginia, and I wouldn't trade our time here for the world...there are so many things we've learned about each other and ourselves in the last several months.

i learned that i don't like being in children's ministry as much as i thought i would. in turn, i realized how much i have missed teaching. tim's learned that his desire for being in youth ministry has rekindled and being the wise man he is, took his time before plunging into the after-college ministry search in order to avoid a lot of mistakes. i've learned i have the most supportive husband in the world, moving back without hesitation to my home town and working a city job so that i could figure out if my dreams were real. i've learned to respect tim more than ever for being careful and wise in his decisions about ministry. i now know for a fact that he wouldn't dare make a move in any direction without being certain that it would be something he would be passionate about and that his family would be happy.

i know that God has things in store for us up north that will stretch us and may even make us doubt why we chose this chapter. but we're most excited about being somewhere that's "ours". our own church family, our own town, our own new house, our own new jobs. those are all new exciting things but, being an army brat my whole life, i know better.


Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.
-Arnold Bennett

life is coming

i can't muster up the deep thoughts or interesting events in my life to write about. but i'm still going to write. something will come.

i'm so excited about christmas time, and tim and i are finally going to have a christmas together. even while we were engaged, we spent the holidays at our seperate homes with our families, 12 hours away. this year, we'll have our own christmas AND get to spend it with both sides of the family. we put up our donated 6 foot artificial christmas tree, and, well...it's ours. that's why we like it. we had fun decorating our apartment for christmas, and then realized we have a lot of catching up to do with our mothers' decorating.

we are getting ready to fly up to Indiana once again, this time with Jake. i love flying, and i love Indiana. charlie's getting married, which is craaaazy, and i'm excited to be united with friends i haven't seen in a few months. we'll get to see Ella and realize how much we've missed already in her tiny little life and hopefully not catch the baby fever ourselves. hopefully we won't sit staring out the window and holding back tears as we're sitting in the airport waiting for our return flight like last time.

this month will fly by fast, and it's bittersweet. we have a lot of decisions to be made about life and jobs that this month brings. january is also a crazy busy month for children's ministry, which i'm honestly not really looking forward to. the weather's getting cold but probably won't bring snow, like most Virginia winters. my youngest sister was accepted into college.

depending on time, i've been considering going back to school at the community college for Art Instruction classes. i figure now is as good as any to continue to chase after my dreams of being an art teacher. if anything, i'll be doing something constructive. i know it's just an idea, but it's a step. i just won't accept that it won't be an option for me as a job at some point.

as for now, i haven't gotten back into art. i'm still waiting. for what, i don't know. i actually checked a book out from the library the other day that was recommended by a friend. i'm still trying to pry myself from associating reading with school books.

i'm definitely in the midst of figuring out who i am, and not trying to change what i'd like to be. for some reason, we tend to think when we finally get married, finally get out of school, finally get a job, etc. that we will have defined ourselves, but i find it to be quite the opposite. i think you end up sitting at your desk and wondering if you were crazy for wanting to do that in the first place. you look at the person you chose to marry and are forced to stare yourself in the mirror as well. you realize that life is happening, with our without you. all those things you had on your "i'd like to do this one day" list just became things you should have done yesterday.

to do lists

we all make to do lists at some point or another. i make them ALL the time. it started in class, when i was bored and wanted to remind myself of a life outside of school, and now i keep them faithfully....grocery lists, work deadlines, presents, hobbies, etc. just whatever i need to remind myself to do, i make a list.

they say you can tell a lot about someone by their to do lists. well here's mine:

move chairs for Sunday
make copies of seminar outline
clean apartment
order wedding pictures
look for christmas ornaments
chili for small group next week
check for Dad
clean car

walmart:
blinker bulb
shaving cream

now for a list a little more long term.

things i want to do at some point in my life:

raise a family
fix up an old house
start or help run a business
teach
go back to Europe
have a vegetable garden
read the entire Bible
work at a bakery
get really good at painting
learn to play a string instrument
take a road trip across the country
live in NYC
teach an art class


that's all i can think of, although i'm sure there will be more as i go through life weeding through what things are important, and what aren't.

what's that one reoccuring thing on your life's to do list?

an artist cannot fail; it is a success to be one.

i've noticed most people on my "links" list have updated lately, so i felt guilty and here i am, typing.

i really don't have much to say that i haven't already said. as far as life's events and decisions go, we're still playing the waiting game.

so onto something that i can think and dream about no matter where we are or what we get paid for.


i need to get back into art.

i have this hidden passion or creativity that sometimes (ok, really most of the time) gets tucked away behind the everyday habits of just getting through life and has nowhere to go. i've always had this desire to create beautiful things and i usually funnel that passion through pencils or paintbrushes. even collages. i'm not really that great at it. i couldn't paint a woman standing in on a dock with the wind blowing her skirt around her ankles, even if i wanted to. maybe i haven't explored it enough to feel successful at it, so i tend to steer towards just plain design. i love simplicity and, therefore, usually end up creating a painting that doesn't even fill up the entire canvas, has only 2 major shapes in it, or just is a bunch of colors and lines.

even still, i end up content and feeling somewhat talented. like i have something that makes me, me. like i have a "thing". a talent. something that makes me special and admired. it's almost the way that i try and show who i am or even, who i'd like to be by creating something that shows people something about myself in a way i know they'll never be able to see any other way. i'm not great at it. maybe not even good at it. but i love it.

and i've lost it recently. i haven't picked up a magazine clipping, a charcoal pencil, or bottle of acrylic in so long. i think i'm too busy trying to find something else that could make me unique instead of just doing what i love to do. perhaps i was waiting for that stage in life where i was "settled" and could focus on things like art or hobbies that have nothing to do with the world around me and the life i am so wrapped up in.

well, if that's so, then i may as well never think of myself as an artist.



The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work. -Emile Zola

Art is the most intense mode of individualism that the world has known. -Oscar Wilde

Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time. -Thomas Merton
(I'm making Tim proud with this one)

welcome home, tim.

this weekend, tim went to knoxville to go to an Old Crow concert with Bill, a UT game with Ben, visit Crossings, etc. needless to say, i was very jealous and wish i was able to go along. i'm actually surprised he came back.

friday started out alright, with a solo trip to Va Beach to check out some pretty cool stores i'd been wanting to go to. i bought myself more than i needed to, and then felt guilty for spending so much money. i do now have my own pair of chuck taylors, which was probably my favorite purchase of the day. i don't regret those. i'm definitely a victim of retail therapy.

while he was gone, my parents left for a cruise to Bermuda. jealous again. sarah's staying with us for the next week, so i get to play dog-sitter and sister-keeper. she and her friends are my favorite high school girls ever, so it was great fun to help fix hair and makeup for Homecoming this last weekend and host the slumber party after their dance. i also have to brag on Hope- my sister's bff that won Homecoming Queen WHILE wearing her football jersey. that's right. she's the only girl on a varsity football team in the district.

this was all after pulling off a Fall Festival for church for what we expected would be 1000 kids- all inside due to the 3 days of downpour that we had, going to walmart to stock up on food for the group of girls staying at our place, and walking up the stairs to find our apartment door open at 10:30pm. good thing i could run across the street to Lindsay & Nick's and make him come check EVERY nook & cranny in the apartment for killers-including the dryer.

add church to that, which is also a work day for me. making sure teachers are there on time, finding subs, passing out food drive bags, and preparing breakfast for 50+ volunteers.

by the time Tim got home on Sunday night, i was absolutely drained. to say the least. i cried for absolutely no reason, and then took a nap that lasted for almost 5 hours.

Tim and I both played hookie on Monday, cancelled our responsibilities for that night, and told real life to back off for one more day.


the up sides to the last few days:

fall weather is finally here.
i have an entire box of brownie mix at home.
ruth ann sent us a package with a nice Starbucks gift card at JUST the right time.
october will be over TOMORROW.

fence philosophy

so i really have no idea what my/our life's gonna look like in the next few months. we could still be here in virginia. we might not. we could still be a family of two. we might not. i could still have dark hair. i may not. ok, that's a little far, but the point is-i am learning to be okay with not knowing.

i've felt a little stressed/worried/pressured the last few days/weeks about things here in virginia. trying to figure out if i like it, if it works, if it's the best thing for us, if there's something out there that i'm more passionate about, or if i've just lost my passion from wandering around york county. it's a big deal, this grown-up thing. i also know the rewards of sticking things out and being dedicated, but that doesn't mean that change and something different or other decisions are necessarily bad, either.

i don't really recall any time in my life when i "just knew" that God wanted me somewhere. i saw the open and shut doors, the advantages or disadvantages, weighed my options based on my knowledge of "the long run" and made a decision the best i knew how. so far, it's been a pretty flawless process. i've ended up in my life healthy, happily married, educated, and wanting not.

but i also strongly believe that God may give us choices to make. He lays two (or three, or four) in front of us, and says, "It's up to you. I believe you'll choose wisely. Either way, serve me." And He lets us decide one small section of our life's journey and then gets to work helping prepare us further for that choice. Free will, right?

maybe i'm just doing some wishful thinking. maybe i'm on my tiptoes looking over the fence and thinking, "ooh, that grass is greener." maybe God's going to sit me/us down and say, "ok, guys. here's what i have. what do you think?"

scary, huh.

indiana's the wrong place to be breaking apart

so we're back from Indiana....ella and tim are, in fact, best friends. just like he predicted. i've never seen a boy and a baby so enamored with each other...other than her daddy, of course. we got to play "house" for awhile and help take care of the baby, cart her around to youth group, church, downtowns, restaurants and outlet malls. this weekend was food for the soul. tim and i took it all in while we could. we loved being with kenny & nicole and having a chance to spoil their baby girl. we went shopping, fed our Starbucks addiction, watched our shows, ate at Cracker Barrell and played speed scrabble-all memories for us. we got a chance to share in each other's lives even though we're close to a third of the way across the country.

we also go to see tim's parents and sarah...which was awesome. ruth ann had the usual roast, mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, etc. etc. for us on Sunday afternoon. we took naps and watched some good movies. tim finally got to see Reign Over Me- one of my favorites now. i missed goofing around and making faces with sarah. tim usually doesn't laugh as much as she does.

i sat in the airport, trying my hardest not to cry. i didn't want tim to see how much i'd fallen in love with indiana, too. of course, he saw. there we sat, thinking and doubting. we wondered if we'd ever find a place to settle into. we wondered what would make us happy. we thought about teaching, dreaming, ministering, starting a family, and sharing life with close friends.

we both had tickets in our hands, so we both got on the plane and came back.