Monday, January 29, 2007

waiting sucks.

I'm at that realization where i finally realize what it might mean to completely leave everything up to God's timing. Before, I've at least been able to do something about the options I had, the decision was ultimately mine, and I knew what to expect for the most part. Now I feel like I'm completely dependent upon the events of the next few months, and the way that God chooses to work in my life. I don't like the way it feels. It makes my stomach tighten up similar to the way I feel when I get nervous about something, or when I know that my future is going to happen according to someone else's decision.

What's even scarier is that I don't have the fall-back plan of still being in school. Until now, all my big decisions had to do with school. I at least had the security of knowing where I'd be living, how long I'd be in school, and how things would be paid for. In 5 months, Tim and I are on our own. And we have NO idea what our lives will be like. 5 months.

We're struggling to find a way to stay in Knoxville, so we can be a part of an incredible ministry that we've both fallen in love with. The challenges that come with making that a reality are proving themselves to be bigger and scarier than I thought. We started out saying to each other, "Well, we'll deal with that when we get there." Well, we're closing in on that time where we have to make decisions, and possibly find out that what we thought we wanted to do isn't going to happen. It's in my nature to have a plan about the future and to know the direction I'm headed. Honestly, this situation scares the hell out of me. I don't like not knowing. I don't like wondering, hoping, and doubting all at the same time.

I know that God is teaching us both something huge in this situation, no matter what the final decision. That doesn't make it any less scary.

Where is that line that lets me know the difference between God's lessons and Satan's distractions?

How do I know that what we're encountering so far is just Satan's attempts at trying to lead us away from an incredible opportunity? What if these challenges are really doors closing and God leading us somewhere else? Do we wait in faith and rest in the fact that God is faithful and will provide us a job so we can stay in Knoxville? Or is that being foolish and not doing our part in being responsible about starting our life together?

one thing i do know - there's something big at the end of whichever path we end up taking. i'm holding on to the faith of knowing it will be worth it.