run for the hills

Tim and I just came back from our trip to Boulder, Colorado. This was our trip as a gift to ourselves, an early anniversary present, second honeymoon, a trip we'd better take now before more siblings get married & we have more babies. We were pumped. Boulder is a town that fits our personalities and interests, and it's always a place we've wanted to visit.

The trip could've been better. In fact, it could've been a lot better. Not because of our planning, the weather (that was actually pretty rainy & chilly), the company, things to do, etc. Because when we left for our trip, we had recently learned we were on our way of becoming a family of four. I was between 6-7 weeks along and this was one of the best surprises I'd ever had in life. Since it was a little more work to get pregnant with Isaac, we were beyond thrilled that this pregnancy had just snuck up on us.

When we came home, we weren't pregnant anymore. The sparkle in our eyes was dimming, the disappointment had set in, and I was just plain confused. We'd had a miscarriage. Something I really never envisioned happening to me. (Who does?) Talk about putting a damper on a great trip. Not much R&R.

Looking back a week ago, I still have some frustrations and questions. Probably will for awhile. My intention is not to drag this out and write a "woe is me" post that everyone will comment on and feel sorry for. I know I have little to complain about with my beautiful baby boy at home & a very strong possibility of success in the near future. That's not what this is about. I was wondering why God would pull my heartstrings like that....surprise, you're pregnant. now you're not. What?? In most situations, I try to find God working the details. I was confused, angry, upset, disappointed and desperate last week. I just wanted to run for the hills. So we did just that.

God works in mysterious ways and I have never had any intention of revealing his mystery. It's just not possible & that remains one of my favorite things about our Lord. He is Sovereign and will not be figured out.

Maybe God sent us away to the mountains by ourselves to rest.
Maybe He knew we'd need each other and only each other to make it through the week.
Maybe He knew the towering red rocks against the deep blue sky would speak to me in that moment, as a symbol of His control and power.
Maybe He wanted us to remember that it's not up to us.
Maybe He needed me to change the way I loved my husband.
Maybe He needed me to change the way I mothered the son I do have at home.

Maybe He wanted me back.
Back from somewhere I hadn't realized I'd wandered off to.

All in all, we have begun to heal and move on. There is plenty of silver lining to shine through. In perspective, I know there are several (or more) of you out there who would take this tiny tragedy in a heartbeat compared to what you've suffered. I know that I am blessed to have a child already. This isn't about that. It's about God working in a way that is unclear to us now, and me trusting that He is good.

Because He is good. He wouldn't be anything else.



Psalm 72:3
Let the mountains bring peace to the people, and the hills, in righteousness.

about learning to see what's right there

alright, friends. i have a lot going on right now. several things are a-stewin' in this head of mine, which always seems to come in waves. so in advance - hold on, it's random and a bit lengthy.

if you remember several months ago, i said i believe God planted a small seed of a desire to see a successful women's ministry begin to take shape in my local church community. God is faithful and has been continuing his good work. this post is partly mental notes for me to document how this whole thing is taking shape, even if slowly, and partly to share my excitement with you (because how can I keep God's work a secret!?). aside from anything i could ever try to plan & execute myself, i'd love to tell you about the topics stirring around in my head & heart as well.

-started reading(yes, lofty goals!)a book called The Forgotten God by Francis Chan. definitely rethinking (or even paying attention for the first time) to the role of the Holy Spirit in me as living and real, and not just a Sunday School answer.

-Zumba. continues to grow & i love love love hearing the excitement by several participants who are slowly growing in their addiction *evil laugh*. it's working! bridging the gap between healthy physical bodies & healthy communities and souls is narrowing.

-this is a big year for my church community, in my opinion. tim & i have now been here 3 years and feel like it's time to dig into the trenches & get serious about making a change. i'm expecting it to be uncomfortable for many, and we're learning to be okay with that. it always amazes me how God sets things on our hearts individually & then we have those "me too!" moments. we're also starting to make our "church community" as outside the walls of our congregation where tim is employed.

-our current church community is looking towards figuring out what discipleship means for them. it's an uncomfortable conversation at times, and involves some looking in the mirror and admitting that most of the time, we're not doing it. in order to do my part, i've decided that along with the help of the Holy Spirit, i'm going to attempt some matchmaking of my own within the demographic i know best - women. by matchmaking i mean taking what i've learned from previous discipleship groups that have worked well & providing opportunities for women to connect with each other - OUTSIDE of kids, husbands, work, etc.

i have the privilege of being connected to our church body by default - i'm a pastor's wife. people have to be nice to me, know who i am, involve us, etc. however, i need to remember those who may walk into the building looking for that connection. what is there? "hmm, do you have kids? no? um..well, services are at 9 and 10:30. won't that be fun??" (sad, but true.)

-tim and i have been faced with the reality that Anderson might be a long term home for us. we've complained for far too long about how this city has nothing to offer the twenty somethings for entertainment, culture & recreation. we've done a half ass job, to probably be pretty honest, about investing in this city as the Lord's holy ground. too long we've lived in a "one day" state of mind and dreaming about the next trendy town we live in with lots to keep us entertained and endless ministry opportunities. well, i feel as if a veil has been lifted and that place we always said we'd live intentionally and make our mission field is right. freaking. here. Anderson is a special town with financial strife, poverty, hopeless people, and an education system that is below par. who are we to decide we're too good for this place? and what cool city park or trendy cafe can replace good friends that would do anything for you & live life with you?? God needs us here. we try to remind ourselves when we have frustrations about our present location that if we don't stay and give hope, who will?

well, i don't ever promise great literature or clever crafty tutorials, but i hope that you find encouragement & comfort in reading about how God works through a crazy world, even if it's just the small realm of my own reality here in a seemingly hopeless city in central Indiana.

God bless. enjoy your time with loved ones this weekend & make sure they know you love them.

water

I'm never so sure if things line up in my life according to God's planning it that way, or if I'm just convincing myself that it's so. However, I am a firm believer in the practice of prayer & spending time and energy getting to know our Creator. Since I've gotten (a little) better at turning an ear towards God's leading in my life lately, I find God in the details. Everywhere. I knew He was there before, but mostly just in the major panics or blessings that would catch anyone's attention. Nowadays, I'm delighted to find Him in the every day happenings of life as a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend.

Our adult small group has been (slowly) working through a film series called Blessed Earth by Dr. Matthew Sleeth. We're eating it up, just because it gives us an excuse to blab on about how important it is to recycle and reuse napkins, but mostly because it's so good at teaching how "following Jesus is good for the planet". It takes the trendy green movement and makes it intentional for the life of the church. Good stuff.

Our last session was entitled, "Water". Long story short, we were sent home with the assignment of trying to be more aware of how fortunate we are to have free access to clean, drinkable water 24/7. We searched the Scriptures for mention of water and took note of how Jesus even called Himself the "Living Water". We were challenged to post a verse somewhere near the sink, shower, etc. to remind us of God's thorough connection with water. I chose Psalm 65:9,

"You care for the land and water it; you enrich it abundantly. The streams of God are filled with water to provide the people with grain, for so you have ordained it."

I'm telling you all this because on Thursday of this last week, our well went out. We didn't have water when we woke up, and the issue didn't get resolved until about 7:30 that evening. Isaac and I were at home all day without running water. No shower, no washing dishes, no doing laundry, and no...flushing. the. toilet. I made sure that I stopped to use the restroom when I was out running errands since I wasn't able to use it at home. It was definitely annoying and frustrating, especially since we didn't know the extent of what needed to be fixed, etc. but it definitely made me stop and think immediately about what we've just been studying.

Water.

Not only did God want me to think about it in my mind, but to feel it physically for a day. Without water, there is no life. Of course, in our readily available society, you can go buy almost anything you'd ever need, including water. But I didn't that day. I (tried) waiting patiently until it was fixed, and then continued to thank God for being my Living Water. That evening, I remember being really thirsty and being truly thankful for being able to just turn on my faucet and fill my glass.

God's in the details, guys. He may need to turn your world around for a day to make sure you're really thankful for what He's done...even if it's just reminding you that you're damn lucky to have running water. Just like your mother used to say, "There are kids in the world who don't have vegetables to eat, so be thankful!" Listen to her. It's true.

Plus, moms are always right. Psh.

new every morning

it's funny how having a small child forces you to become a morning person. i say "forces" on purpose. i am not usually a morning person, except for Christmas mornings and such. little man usually rises in a pretty happy mood about 7am every day, usually singing to us or making bubbles through the monitor. tim and i usually wake up and giggle at him before we "rock, paper, scissors" to see who has to get him. usually, i lose. something about tim having trouble nursing...
it's scary how punctual the little booger can be about getting up in the morning. i really can't complain, since he's a very good sleeper and has been sleeping through the night successfully since about 8 weeks old. since i'm awakened by my tiny alarm clock and have to rise to the occasion of diaper duty, breakfast, and playtime all before 8am i try my best to do it joyfully and enjoy the mornings before i have to shove him out the door to catch a bus or argue over what i packed for lunch.

while we were in North Carolina on vacation with my family after my sister's wedding, i took advantage of those mornings. this particular morning, isaac rose before anyone else in the house had gotten up, including my dad who is usually an early riser himself. i claimed my 'wife of the year' award once again and let tim sleep in while i decided what to do to keep isaac occupied after his breakfast bowl was scraped clean.

um, hello. we are at the beach. i'm a big fan of the beach, but i love it mostly early in the morning and in the evenings. it's not as hot, the scenery is at its finest, and the only people out are the ones who respect the quiet time of the beach at that hour. i grabbed a beach towel and a burp rag (a regular accessory of mine at this point) and isaac and i headed to the beach by ourselves. in our pajamas. i can't even remember if i had shoes on.


it was probably my favorite memory of that vacation. i am reminded (by others and my own perspective) that all too soon i will wish i had these days back. the time isaac and i had out on the beach was priceless. i told him about the way the tide comes in and out in the mornings and evening. i showed him a fiddler crab who was brave enough to come out even in our presence. i let him feel the sand. we sat and watched the dogs play in the water down the beach and giggled about how they just plowed through the waves. we felt how warm the water was and stomped on the bubbles that it left on the sand.



i hope isaac realizes how much God was in that moment. out on the beach in the morning. just he and i. to watch him as he just took it all in. the familiar hush of the waves, the new sensations of the sand and waves. the time he and i praised God together, without saying a single thing. even though he didn't show excitement, he was peaceful in enjoying the beach God created for him to play on. what a special morning. i hope you can find peace, hope, and new beginnings in the mornings of your life. this specific morning in the outer banks with my son will be forever etched in my mind as the morning time stood still and i just enjoyed God.