Tuesday, April 26, 2011

run for the hills

Tim and I just came back from our trip to Boulder, Colorado. This was our trip as a gift to ourselves, an early anniversary present, second honeymoon, a trip we'd better take now before more siblings get married & we have more babies. We were pumped. Boulder is a town that fits our personalities and interests, and it's always a place we've wanted to visit.

The trip could've been better. In fact, it could've been a lot better. Not because of our planning, the weather (that was actually pretty rainy & chilly), the company, things to do, etc. Because when we left for our trip, we had recently learned we were on our way of becoming a family of four. I was between 6-7 weeks along and this was one of the best surprises I'd ever had in life. Since it was a little more work to get pregnant with Isaac, we were beyond thrilled that this pregnancy had just snuck up on us.

When we came home, we weren't pregnant anymore. The sparkle in our eyes was dimming, the disappointment had set in, and I was just plain confused. We'd had a miscarriage. Something I really never envisioned happening to me. (Who does?) Talk about putting a damper on a great trip. Not much R&R.

Looking back a week ago, I still have some frustrations and questions. Probably will for awhile. My intention is not to drag this out and write a "woe is me" post that everyone will comment on and feel sorry for. I know I have little to complain about with my beautiful baby boy at home & a very strong possibility of success in the near future. That's not what this is about. I was wondering why God would pull my heartstrings like that....surprise, you're pregnant. now you're not. What?? In most situations, I try to find God working the details. I was confused, angry, upset, disappointed and desperate last week. I just wanted to run for the hills. So we did just that.

God works in mysterious ways and I have never had any intention of revealing his mystery. It's just not possible & that remains one of my favorite things about our Lord. He is Sovereign and will not be figured out.

Maybe God sent us away to the mountains by ourselves to rest.
Maybe He knew we'd need each other and only each other to make it through the week.
Maybe He knew the towering red rocks against the deep blue sky would speak to me in that moment, as a symbol of His control and power.
Maybe He wanted us to remember that it's not up to us.
Maybe He needed me to change the way I loved my husband.
Maybe He needed me to change the way I mothered the son I do have at home.

Maybe He wanted me back.
Back from somewhere I hadn't realized I'd wandered off to.

All in all, we have begun to heal and move on. There is plenty of silver lining to shine through. In perspective, I know there are several (or more) of you out there who would take this tiny tragedy in a heartbeat compared to what you've suffered. I know that I am blessed to have a child already. This isn't about that. It's about God working in a way that is unclear to us now, and me trusting that He is good.

Because He is good. He wouldn't be anything else.

Psalm 72:3
Let the mountains bring peace to the people, and the hills, in righteousness.