Tuesday, September 25, 2007

uncertain september

so tim and i are going on 3 months of being married.
ella grace is already 2 weeks old.
i'm entering my fourth month of being an associate children's minister.

life is weird right now.

i'm not sure why, but it is. i don't know if it's because i feel like i'm supposed to be settling in, but i don't feel like i am. it is home, though. it's where my parents live, i went to high school, i grew up in an awesome youth ministry, and got married at my home church.

maybe i'm just so programmed to live in a temporary state in my life, so that i'm always looking forward to what's next. we knew this is where God wanted us, the plans just seemed to lay themselves out. the timing, the job, the apartment, the people we already knew. it was all set out in front of us, and it was exciting. we knew this would be the perfect place for us to get on our feet and get established in all things life before we "really knew what we wanted to do".

but every day, i dream and think about what's to come. i think about moving closer to friends. i think about how much i miss teaching, despite how ready i was for a break.

i know tim doesn't see life in virginia the way i did. his job is just a job, and that wears on someone. his opportunities to do ministry are there, but i sense that he's not "free" to do ministry like he'd really like to. and that wears on me. we'd both really love to find somewhere we can engross ourselves into it. maybe we can, we just have to do it.

so what's going on? am i just not good at being content in my given situation? have i lived in a state of anxiousness and looking forward to events for so long that i've trained my mind to do the same? do i need to struggle through the uncomfortable insecurities of the present in order to grow and be ready for the future?

so for now, i'm loving this virginia home.

Monday, September 10, 2007

happy birthday, baby gooch!

i'm really trying to get back into the habit of blogging at least once a week. hint- it encourages me to do so if i see comments. :) seriously, though...i love being able to share a little bit of how life is now that everyone who was my life before is all doing life in different parts of everywhere.

today, we're celebrating a birthday. nicole FINALLY went into labor this morning, and i am SO EXCITED. but it hit me...we were all so ready for this baby to be here, but now that i know they will actually be holding their own child today, their vows in flesh and blood, it's like it's news all over again. i can't even begin to imagine how that feels. hopefully now, tim and i can put our trip up to see them on the calendar and get to hold their tiny miracle for ourselves sometime soon. then i can give her the tiny faux leather & fur snow boots i bought her the other day. this is going to be one hot kid.

this last week, i really felt like i went through the ringer in ministry. i'm really getting to the point of finding out the in's and out's of how this all works, and even then, i know that it will still take awhile (if ever) before i'm there. i finally dealt with my first "explosion" of unhappy people on Sunday mornings. i knew it would happen, and now i can say "ok, well now that that's over..." but i really ended up going through a week of fear, doubt, insecurity, and then coming through it with a lot more under my belt and a really good idea of what i need to do. unfortunately, i have a hankerin' (i miss tn) that that won't be the only time i learn something like that.

tonight is a little bit exciting. i'm being commissioned into full time ministry with a little mini-ceremony tonight at the start of the elder's meeting. it's kindof the equivalent of being ordained into ministry, but not as fancy (in my words). just my family, tim, maynards, nick & lindsay are going to be there, with the rest of the church staff and elders, of course. so it will be quaint and small, and meaningful. just some news that should be shared. definitely not as exciting as a baby being born, though. come on.

well, life is happening, and taking me with it. it's been interesting to see how i've been growing and being stretched and twisted throughout the last few months. i always thought that once i got out of college and got married, that i'd finally be a "resting point" and feel like i've gotten somewhere, but i really think now is the time i'm starting to feel the momentum of being molded through Christ. weird.

God's always gotta keep us moving. as my old friend Chad says, "keep on truckin'."

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

labor day banana splits

this weekend was truly a weekend. four days long, and nothing to do but eat good food, visit with family, and take naps.

my aunt jen and uncle joe came into town this weekend. they're the kind of relatives that can call us up and ask, "can we come visit?" the truth was, they are having their floors in their house redone, and they had to escape the smell of ether. just as well, i was excited to spend time with them without the craziness of a wedding weekend.

we had tuna steaks, corn on the cob, caprise salad, a five pound bag of Hanover's pretzels (which we ate in entirety), and our best menu- banana splits for dinner.

if i could describe my aunt jen, it would be a description similar to a character in a children's storybook. she is beautiful and graceful, but loud and bold at the same time. she has lived through tragedies in her health, marriage, and family. she knows every aching heart that comes at her, and can recognize character traits in you that you didn't even think you had. she loves to read aloud, even to me at 23. she is well-read, well-versed, and can pull the deepest doubts and fears from you after a simple conversation. she recognizes God in everyone, and has a contagious learning streak in her that makes you want to know everything about everything. she is talented as a seamstress, a chef, a mother, a grandmother, a medical nurse, a sister, a wife, and a prayer warrior.

after this weekend, when the boys all sat in the den for what seemed like all day, watching movies and eating pretzels, the ladies sat on the deck under umbrellas strung with white lights and our ice cream, talking for HOURS about our lives and the people in them. we talked about the women we've become, and the women we'd like to still be.

it was refreshing, to say the least, to enter into more of an "adulthood" after those few days. i was really included as a "grown up" and got to talk freely about marriage, faith, friendship, and food. i think i've learned more about becoming the woman i want to be in those 4 days than i have ever sat down to really think about.

i now have a new challenge. or maybe it's not new- maybe i've never challenged myself with it before. but i have to decide who i want to be. i want to be able to sit on the porch under white lights and share with my newly married neice and sister-in-law how my life has molded me into the woman i am.