uncertain september

so tim and i are going on 3 months of being married.
ella grace is already 2 weeks old.
i'm entering my fourth month of being an associate children's minister.

life is weird right now.

i'm not sure why, but it is. i don't know if it's because i feel like i'm supposed to be settling in, but i don't feel like i am. it is home, though. it's where my parents live, i went to high school, i grew up in an awesome youth ministry, and got married at my home church.

maybe i'm just so programmed to live in a temporary state in my life, so that i'm always looking forward to what's next. we knew this is where God wanted us, the plans just seemed to lay themselves out. the timing, the job, the apartment, the people we already knew. it was all set out in front of us, and it was exciting. we knew this would be the perfect place for us to get on our feet and get established in all things life before we "really knew what we wanted to do".

but every day, i dream and think about what's to come. i think about moving closer to friends. i think about how much i miss teaching, despite how ready i was for a break.

i know tim doesn't see life in virginia the way i did. his job is just a job, and that wears on someone. his opportunities to do ministry are there, but i sense that he's not "free" to do ministry like he'd really like to. and that wears on me. we'd both really love to find somewhere we can engross ourselves into it. maybe we can, we just have to do it.

so what's going on? am i just not good at being content in my given situation? have i lived in a state of anxiousness and looking forward to events for so long that i've trained my mind to do the same? do i need to struggle through the uncomfortable insecurities of the present in order to grow and be ready for the future?

so for now, i'm loving this virginia home.