where's my easy button?

i'm officially homesick. it's been months in indiana, and i'm homesick. but not just for my family, whom i do miss dearly, but for a sense of purpose and the "easier" life we had in virginia. in a conversation with tim the other day, he mentioned how he missed virginia because life seemed easier there. i bluntly reminded him, "well, we had more money and less bills." we laughed, but only half-heartedly. i've got to admit, when people ask me how we like it here, i have to think a little more than usual to answer. i want to say, "oh, we love it." but sometimes, i don't. but only because i feel like i have no sense of purpose driving 30 minutes south to work an hourly job that most of the time, i get let go early, and therefore only working enough hours to pay for that day's commute. i remind myself that my graduate degree that i worked hard for will go to use soon when i finally land a teaching job and can dive straight into using my talents for that. i remind myself that life isn't about the money, or the fancy jobs, but about the attitude and contentment that you seek in the day to day humility of being responsible and having to do what you need to make ends meet.

it's jobs like this that make me wonder if God had to stick me somewhere to force me to think about what i want out of life. so many times, i just wanted to cut corners with school and not go all the way, working for my graduate degree. i wanted to just "work a job" and be done with it. but now that i'm actually doing that, i want so much more. while dusting at the store today, i saw a mug that read, "Love what you do." i stopped. i thought that meant either of two things: i need to buck up, and appreciate the dollars that ARE coming in and invest in the people around me right now. or it means i need to be more aggressive in life and really strive to do something that i am all out passionate fore.

i think both are true.

i've heard it said before (or maybe it was another mug?) that life is too short to . nothing could be closer to the truth. i have so much i wish i could do, but i know that i won't ever get to do it. or is it that i've just given up already? i get these temporary "rushes" of inspiration to start looking up job opportunities for what i really want to do, and then after Googling for a few hours, i get discouraged again and walk back into the living room, now grumpy.

i thought it'd all start once i graduated college. then i thought it all started when i got married. then i thought it all started when we started over and moved.

but really...where do i start?



p.s. i promise i'll stop complaining soon and start writing something more...uh, uplifting?