looking back

so i stumbled upon my old xanga site...remember, the blogs before blogspot? i kept it up during college, and i love this particular post. it's fun going back to read about my life and what i was thinking and feeling a few years ago. i'm actually pretty proud of myself in this post...and every bit of it still stands true.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007


marrying Joel Osteen
i love the ladies i work with at my internship at Seymour Primary. they have made my internship an absolute blast, always encouraging me and making me laugh. we share in each others' lives (as women can't help but do) and they are the best at giving me the "inside" information about where to apply, who to talk to, what connections they have, etc. i cannot imagine a better placement with a group of women who have been more real to me about their lives, marriages, and children. to them, i'm not an intern - i'm one of them, the one they need to help get "in". we talk about the ways God is moving in our lives through disappointments, emotional rollercoasters, family struggles, job concerns, etc. it's quite amazing how God has placed me in the midst of such a steady group of mentors.

until today, however, when i finally realized how different i was from them.

one of the ladies has just recently finalized her divorce with her husband of 18 years in January, and is going through the emotional roller coaster of where the boundaries now exist in her life and the lives of her children. she has struggled through a marriage of neglect, emotional abuse, and unrequited love and is finally on the edge of finding happiness in her life again. she has made some questionable choices about dating again and has been hit with some recent choices of her ex as well. i have listened and been there to hear the good, the bad, and the "should i know this??". she holds nothing back, and still has the purest heart i've seen in a long time.

another lady, as much as i love her and her advice and protection she's given me, has still to say something positive about her husband. she has a house of 4 teenagers and is just trying to get through the "they all hate me" stage of raising children. her bold and spitfire personality makes for some great laughs in tough situations and a great attitude for dealing with crazy teens, but i just can't sit well on her attitude towards her marriage. we all make jokes about the roles of men and women, especially in marriage, but these are far more deep-rooted than your average 'Everybody Loves Raymond' laughs.

this morning, as i was getting ready for the day and still sipping my coffee, she asked me, "Have you read anything by Joel Osteen? I just love him. He's not all fire and brimstone. And I like that."


i held my tongue to not give her my true opinion on the man and his beat-around-the-bush half truths, so i replied with a vague chuckle and said, "Yeah, he's pretty popular." i was completely taken aback to hear her continue about the reasons she agreed with his philosophies.


for the rest of the day, i couldn't help but think that while i have gained so much in my time with these women, that i feel like they've got it all wrong sometimes.

i'm getting married in less than 5 months, to a man who has given up all security in his life in order to follow after the passions God has set on fire in his heart. he's not only followed his heart, but his mind and is having to deal with some pretty expensive challenges in order to give it a shot. in the last 6 months, he and i have overcome some great hurdles in our relationship, broken down strong walls, and become more raw and real to each other than i ever thought was possible with another person. sure, we joke all the time about "guy stuff" and "girl stuff" and the usual pokes at each other, but i can't imagine the rest of our marriage being "typical" or "wasted". we believe in each other and we know that sometimes, we're all we've got.

by no means, am i claiming to have gotten ANYwhere close to having it all right, but i know what Truth is. and i know that Satan can't steal it from me, even if he tries to sneak into the words and opinions of the people i admire.

i sit there at my desk sometimes, surrounded by all this negativity about marriage...some of it unavoidable, but some of it just plain ignorance. none of it affecting me.


and don't even get me started on Joel Osteen.